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You're amazing.

In case nobody told you today, you're amazing.

You're an amazing homeschool teacher.

You're an amazing chicken nugget maker. 

You're an amazing cleaner upper. 

You're an amazing boo-boo kisser.

You're an amazing story teller.

You're an amazing tucker innerer.

You're an amazing cup filler.

You're an amazing game player.

You're an amazing snack opener.

You're an amazing mommy. 

You are nothing less than amazing. ❤

Making her bed

I never realized how extensive my moddler's vocabulary is. I guess I didn't fully comprehend all of the words she's managed to pick up from my husband and I until I watched her try to put a sheet on her new bed for a half hour. It's the most I've seen her consistently focus on one task and if it weren't for the various curse words she was using out of frustration due to one corner uncovering everytime she tried to get another one covered, I would have been extremely impressed. This is the first time in my life I've heard how a sailor would make a bed and to be completely honest, it's terrifying. 🤦🏼‍♀️😬

HR?

One of my students have started following me into the bathroom. Does anyone know the number to HR? Can I expel her?

German

The oldest child I care for, aka my husband, has decided to learn German during this quarantine. It all started because I mentioned teaching his spawn a secondary language to help open up some career opportunities when she's grown in case she doesn't grow out of showing her chocolate starfish to everyone. Let's be honest, at this point, college isn't exactly an intelligent investment. Hopefully that will change, but for now, we're just trying to adjust to challenges as they appear. Anyways, the love of my life decided to start this now while we're in the midst of the chaos ensued by homeschooling and the terrible case of cabin fever we're all experiencing. Let me just say that if this man doesn't book us a trip to Germany as soon as this quarantine lifts to make use of the new language he decided to learn while we're all losing our minds, I'm going to be a widow. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

She Does Everything. 🙄

There I was, discussing Canadian politics with my 6th grader for her Social Studies assignment while shampooing the carpet because my moddler decided to coat it with a banana she smushed and give it an overcoat of milk that she somehow managed to dump into a squirt gun from her sippy cup when I realized I needed to make lunch. While I was throwing together sandwiches, I decided to turn on Shrek in an attempt to distract my semen demon from demolishing my house while I finish everything I'm trying to accomplish. The dogs start barking so I asked my 7yo to stop the video she was watching on her laptop to go check the mail because I'm expecting a package of clothes I had ordered FOR HER. She sighs, rolls her eyes, looks directly in my face, and says, "ugh. I do everything around here." 😳 Just a recap in case you weren't paying attention: I am simultaneously teaching, cooking, shampooing, searching for Shrek(the Christmas one because that's the current favorite), and trying to get the dogs to stop barking at the mailman, but she has to do EVERYTHING by pushing pause and walking 10ft to the door? Thank god the fire department is still considered essential because I'm about to drop kick this one right to their front door. 🤦🏼‍♀️

For Worse

Over this lovely weekend, I watched my husband, the man I CHOSE to spend the rest of my life with, try to turn on a tv while holding the power cord. We mounted it in our moddler's bedroom in anticipation of her new bunk bed arriving. As he was standing there trying to program the remote, he was getting frustrated that it would not turn on. He was standing there with the remote in one hand and the power cord in the other. This quarantine is wearing on us all. Is that what the "for worse" part of my vows covered? He's supposed to be the mentally stable one. God help us all.

"Do you hear that?"

My condom complaints have this annoying habit of trying to tell me a story at the most inconvenient time. It's usually while I'm in the middle of doing something vital to their survival amongst the chaos such as preparing dinner or getting three different lesson plans pulled up on three different devices. My ears are open 24/7 for them to explain every detail of anything they want to talk about, but every once in a while, I need the noise to stop so i don't have a nervous breakdown from not being able to process everything that is happening. Because of this, I've started doing this thing where I hush everyone, make a genuinely concerned face, and ask, "what is that? Do you hear it?" This activates their curiosity and they all get extremely quiet to sneak through the house, looking for what is making the phantom noise. I get to finish what I'm doing and they get to help try and identify a noise that doesnt exist. It's a win-win......for now. Hopefully they'll understand why I do this when they have children of their own and don't just worry that auditory hallucinations are hereditary. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Urinal Confessional

Tonight while brushing my teeth, my 7yo burst in the bathroom to use the toilet. Apparently scrubbing my mouth triggers the colons of my uterus candy and they feel the need to shit IMMEDIATELY. She comes in, sits down, and says, "remember when I went to the dentist and you told them I brush teeth everyday?" I nodded my head yes and she said, "I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth." I asked, "What? Why?" She responded by telling me that I told her as long as her room was picked up, she didn't need to make her bed because she was just going to sleep in it again so she figured she didn't need to brush her teeth because she was just going to dirty them again when she ate. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I send them up every night and say, "brush your teeth." Apparently she's just been skipping it for god only knows how long and decided to use the bathroom right now as a truth booth to disclose that information. I guess I need to go back to supervising their before bed routines. #momfail

My dress

I bought myself something for the first time in a very long time. It was a cute, girly dress which is the complete opposite of what I would normally wear. Today, I decided to go get some groceries since my husband was off and could keep my belly fruit home with him. I was excited to leave the house without having someone attached to my leg and even more excited to get our groceries without hearing, "mom, can I have....." This was the perfect time to wear the new addition to my wardrobe!! I squeezed into my spanks, fixed my hair, put on my makeup, and finally threw on my adorable new dress. I got done grocery shopping in record time. Half because I didn't have to chase my minions through the store and the other half because most of the things on my list weren't in stock. I called to order takeout to pick up on the way home since I was out anyways. When I walked in, I was greeted and told that it would be a bit of a wait. My fat ass stood there and waited for the longest time before the woman came back out and told me I could wait in my car for them to bring it out. She said, "I didn't realize you were pregnant. You don't need to stand in here and wait." 😐 As I was leaving, completely speechless, she said, "you're glowing by the way." First of all, that's not a pregnancy glow. That's from the cheetos I was stuffing in my face on the way to pick up my order. Second, I'm not pregnant, not at all. This wonderful new dress that I was so excited to wear accentuates my post-baby pouch. I'm never buying anything for myself again.