Memiors of a Moddler

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Better?

My lovely little twat terror decided to wake up and lose her shit tonight. The reasoning? Her cup was empty. I am not a psychic or a magician so I had no idea this travesty occurred nor could I use my magical abilities to automatically refill little miss queen bee's chalice. She was flailing her arms around like she just got hired to stand in front of a car dealership so I got out of bed to go fill it up and mumbled, "you're a pain in my ass." As I went out to replenish her vitamin D vessel, I reassured myself that I am a strong, independent woman that doesn't take orders from anyone. All of a sudden, I hear very fast footsteps coming right at me. For someone so small, she sounds like a stampede of elephants. I decided I wasn't going to engage and just kept preparing her cup. Next thing I know, I feel something wet right on my underbum. I swung my body around, thankful that I didn't instinctively swing. My moddler was standing there with those big baby blues looking at me like she was so proud of herself. I asked what she was doing and she said, "a better?" I was confused as hell so I asked her what was supposed to feel better. She said, "you ass a pain." Apparently she thought it was necessary to literally kiss my ass. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I can't even stay flustered for 5 minutes before this flip-switch makes me laugh.

Part 7

Quarantine confessions part 7:

I told my sperm sprouts that I had to go to the store today. I got completely dressed and went out to the car where I sat in complete silence for about 20 minutes before coming back in to tell them that the stores were closed. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Conference call

She had to have snacks and I had to "fill er up" with milk, but she sat still the entire time for her very first hour long conference call today.

Part 6

Quarantine confessions part 6:

My husband and I just got into an argument over what a trapezoid is. We had to google it and both of us were wrong.

Part 5

Quarantine confessions part 5:

I've made spaghetti for dinner at least 7 times the past three weeks.

Homeschooling

This is our first day homeschooling our two middle crotch goblins. It's only been a couple hours and I just want to go home. From this moment on, whenever my kids get a new teacher, I'm going to find out their favorite type of alcohol. I'll make sure those poor souls are stocked up through the entire school year. It's a holiday? Have some alcohol. My kid got a yellow on their color chart? Have a bottle. They had a test today? Have a gift basket of shot bottles. You survived the entire WEEK? Here's a fifth of whiskey.

Friday, April 3, 2020

MarioKart

I sent everyone to bed except my semen demon because we're finishing our game in Mario Kart 8. To be honest, I'm playing and she has an unplugged controller so she can "play" too. Anyways, I rounded a corner in the game and a blue shell came and knocked me off the track. My moddler screamed, threw the controller on the ground, got real close to the tv, pointed at the kart that passed me with her tiny little finger, and said, "fuk at guy!!" 🤦🏼‍♀️ She's got some serious gamer rage in such a tiny little body.