Ankles

Apparently we're calling our ankles "floks" now. I don't know if she's trying to combine the words foot and leg or if she's just doing it because it sounds extremely similar to fuck and we've been working exceedingly hard trying to get this crass curtain climber to stop swearing because she's going to be going into early preschool. Since she's been doing speech therapy and her speech has improved, she's caught on to the worst possible words. The past few days, she has been saying "wat a heck" instead of "wat a fuck" and says "oley apoli" instead of "oley shit" so I thought we were getting somewhere. All day today though, she's been saying "flok" and I've been bitching about it. I didn't know what she was referring to so I keep correcting her, but it didn't seem to make a difference. She's been at war with this damn cat all day and I thought she was just screaming "fuk" at it. Well, I just watched the cat jump out from under the table and attack her ankle like she was a fucken lion and my moddler's foot was an impala. She cried and yelled "FLOK" before coming over to demand I kiss it. I should have known she wasn't yelling directly at this asshole feline because she didn't say, "fuk off" which is usually her term of choice. I can not win with this one. I guess we'll just take our "floks" and go to bed. 🤦🏼‍♀️😳

Baby Fever

Some days I think I want another baby. I see all my kids being so independent and I miss having an infant. Plus, one of these times I'm going to get it right and finally birth the one that would be willing to wipe my ass when I physically can't do it anymore. I've asked them all and they've all been very adamant that they are unwilling to do this for me. Even my moddler overheard a conversation I was having with my husband and exclaimed, "goss. I no ipe ass!!" She is so good with her little cousins that it makes my ovaries hurt sometimes. It makes me feel like a crackhead, craving that fresh out the love tunnel baby smell. Then there are days like today where I literally watched her rip the voice box out of her baby doll's back and then put the whole doll underneath the couch cushion only to climb up to sit on top of it. I asked why she did this and she said, "ugggghhhhh.....baby no shut up." She waited a minute and then got up, pulled it out and said, "you a done now?" After she didn't get a response from her recently mute toy, she threw this poor doll from the living room into the kitchen as she screamed, "BE BETTA!!" 😳😳These are the moments that make my faloppian tubes basically tie themselves. My womb retracts so far that I can physically feel it in my throat. I don't know why she is the way she is. The only thing I know is that my lady bits have been feeling quite bipolar as of late dealing with these alternating flood and drought situations. 🌊🔥🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ 

Helmet

My oldest, Shitbrick, has been under the weather since last Thursday. Today, we FINALLY got her in to see the doctor and found out she has strep. I've been acting like Joe Goldberg all day, just following this poor child around and watching her every move so I can sanitize everything she breathes on and touches with lysol wipes. I finally just quarantined her to her room so I could attempt to wipe down every single surface in my house to try and abolish all of the germs, regardless of KNOWING it's an impossible feat. While at the doctors, my moddler started coughing and when the doctor came in, I was going to have them check her too. Unfortunately, as the doctor was walking in, this little shit was face down on the floor literally licking the tiles so it completely slipped my mind because well, I was embarrassed as fuck. Anyways, I decided to tell my husband that I thought she might be catching her sister's illness and asked him to grab some supplies at the store to help stop them from sharing germs. I obviously meant more sanitizing products, but I didn't specify. I SHOULD HAVE SPECIFIED. Can anyone explain to me why the fuck this man thought he did such a great job by spending 60 fucken dollars on a Buzz Lightyear helmet for his semen demon and then had the balls to try and justify his purchase by explaining how much time and energy he was saving me while saying, "at least she won't be breathing on everything." He is so damn proud of himself and all I want to do is close the lid on his balls. 😂😂 Hahahahahelp. I might end up committed from living with these people. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Being a mom is hard.

Mercury is in retrograde and it seriously has some people feeling some type of way today so I'm just going to put this friendly reminder out there for everyone. 

Being a SAHM is hard.

Being a working mom is hard.

Being a single mom is hard.

Being a mom with a spouse is hard.

Being a breastfeeding mom is hard.

Being a formula feeding mom is hard. 

Being a mom of one child is hard.

Being a mom of multiples is hard.

Being a mom living in an apartment or with friends/family is hard.

Being a mom with your own home is hard. 

Being a mom of children with health issues is hard. 

Being a mom of healthy children is hard. 

Being a mom that takes the time to primp herself is hard. 

Being a mom that wears pajama pants and their hair in a messy bun is hard.

Being a mom buying groceries on food stamps is hard.

Being a mom buying everything with cash/credit is hard.

Being a mom that needs assistance through child support/welfare is hard.

Being a mom that can do it without help is hard. 

Being a mom of infants is hard.

Being a mom of teenagers is hard.

Being a mom struggling with mental/physical health is hard.

Being a mom with a clean bill of health is hard. 

Being a broke mom is hard.

Being a wealthy mom is hard. 

Being a first time mom is hard.

Being a veteran mom is hard. 

Being a biological mom is hard.

Being an adoptive/foster/step mom is hard. 

Being a fertile mom is hard.

Being a mom struggling with infertility is hard. 

Being a dog mom is hard.

Being a cat mom is hard. 

BEING A MOM IS HARD. PERIOD!!

You know what's not hard? Accepting that everyone has a different struggle when it comes to motherhood. All of us are different, but NONE of us have it easy. We are all just doing the very best we can to raise our beautifully frustrating uterus droppings to be decent human beings. ❤❤

Commitment

I just watched my moddler pull out our dining room table like she's been lifting fucken weights since she's been in utero. It's wooden and extremely hefty. I struggle moving the damn thing myself and I'm grown. I then witnessed her pull a chair out from behind it because I store them there to avoid concussions and black eyes since she's fearless and climbs everything. She hulked out to pick it up and literally carried it over to the counter to set it down. She dropped it on her foot as she got there so she said, "owwwwww a hurt me." She then replied to herself with, "I so sorry" as she got down on the floor and kissed her own foot. She proceeded to thank herself and then get an attitude WITH HERSELF because she didn't say you're welcome in response. I just heard a full blown conversation between what I assume is her multiple crazy personalities. She got back up and climbed up on the chair to climb onto the counter. At this point, I get up and go stand behind her. I was going to make her get down, but she's shown such dedication that I'm curious as to what is worth so much trouble for her to go through all of this. She must know something I don't know. I creep while standing as close as possible in order to catch her if she decides to try sky diving. I stay quiet so I don't spook her into aborting her quest.. What the fuck is she looking for? Why is she so determined? Candy, folks. She was getting some old, nasty ass candy. I put their Halloween buckets in our junk cupboard. You read that right. HALLOWEEN!! They're still full of candy because I'm that mom, the one that let's them eat candy the day of the holiday and then puts the rest up for "later" only to completely forget that I put them up. The only time she could have spotted them was the other night while her brother was rifling through the cupboards looking for batteries for his controller. This child forgets where the fuck her cup went 5 minutes after I give it to her, but somehow remembered seeing buckets that she hasn't seen since October and remembered that they still had candy in them. She then devised a diabolical plan to get said candy. I don't know what I'm going to do with this one, but for now, wine seems like a great coping mechanism. 🤦🏼‍♀️🍷

Dad did it. 🤫

I just busted ass so loud that my moddler sat straight up from her slumber and now she's pissed at my husband. I seriously can not stop laughing. I've been with my husband for 4 years but I still won't pass gas in front of him. It's not for the reasons you think. This man has seen me butt ass naked in the middle of my kitchen floor shaving my toes and ugly crying while eating salsa out of the jar at 39 weeks pregnant so I'm not worried that he'll find me unattractive if I do assidentally drop a booty bomb. To be outright, for the sake of full discosure, I like butt stuff and thanks to my anxiety, I can't let him be near me when it inevitably happens because I'm worried that if he smells what comes out, he won't go in. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Anyways, they both were asleep and I hadn't moved her to her own bed before releasing my anal acoustics. She arose like she was the fucken Undertaker and as she was sitting up, she slowly turned her head towards her father. She immediately yelled, "DAD!! IS A POOP?!?" He didn't answer her because he was obviously still asleep so she says, "HELLO?!? GET OUT A BED!!" She then proceeds to SMACK HIS ASS!! I stopped her and told her, "we don't hit people. Accidents happen." The rage in her eyes made me back out of my intended confession. I. Am. A. Coward. She then looked at me in disbelief and said, "He bad dad. He shit in a bed, mom!!" I said it was okay and told her to calm down. She then sighed as she was rolling her eyes at me, climbed out of our bed, grabbed her blanket, and went to lay in her own bed while mumbling, "no shit in a my bed." She is still mumbling random insults directed at her father saying he's "isusting" and commenting on how "ewwww" and "gross" the entire situation is. This poor innocent bystander just got thrown under the bus and I'm not even sorry. At least I don't have to carry her to her bed now. 😂💨

Shredded Chicken

I really need some advice. My SIL sent me a recipe two years ago for pulled bbq chicken. It's a great alternative for me since I'm not really a fan of pork. My husband came home from work today and I asked him to shred the chicken since I had to run to the store real quick. I handed him the forks to use and I hurried to the bedroom as I scrambled to find a pair of clean pants that would fit over my fat ass since I haven't left my house to go out in public to be surrounded by people in a very, very long time. It is cold out so I'm still in hibernation mode. I finally just threw on pajama pants because I was just over it and didn't care anymore. So, I come out of the bedroom and this man is sitting on the couch, all nice and relaxed. I looked and the forks were sitting on the counter, CLEAN. I started to get pissed. I went over and pointed at the crockpot and said, "I asked you to do this!!" He just stared at me with that "I did" look so I opened the lid and all six pounds of chicken are perfectly shredded. PERFECTLY!! It was beautiful. It took him like 3 seconds. I asked how he did it and he said, "I used the mixer?" 😐😐😐 Two years. That is how long I've been making this recipe. This same man has watched me shred SO MUCH fucken chicken. He's watched me use forks to pull apart piece by piece, pound by pound. He's heard me bitch that my hands were cramping and watched me take a wine break while doing this tedious task. I have done it the same fucken way every single time and I've made this exact same recipe AT LEAST three times a month for the past two years!!!!!!!!

My question for you ladies is, should I use roses or tulips for the funeral? I want it to be classy with undertones of DON'T HIDE SHORTCUTS FROM YOUR WIFE!!

Also, if nobody ever told you, a mixer can shred chicken. You're welcome. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Breadsticks

Do you ever feel like you're going crazy? Like one of your senses is making you think you should be committed because you're hearing, seeing, or smelling something that you shouldn't be? Tonight, that was me. I heard chewing. That sound instantly drives me nuts, but I KNEW i heard it. Everyone was asleep. I had moved my moddler to her own bed and I was almost asleep when the sound hit my ears like a fucken blow horn. I reached for my phone, turned on the flashlight and looked around. My husband was asleep. The dog was asleep. Bean was asleep in her bed on the other side of my bedroom and I was convinced I was hearing shit. I turned the flashlight off and got comfortable only to hear it again!! I checked everyone again and everyone was still asleep. This happened three more times until I got up and turned the light on because either I was having a nervous breakdown or someone/thing was chewing something somewhere, but I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I got all comfortable again and closed my eyes to give the illusion that I was asleep. This time, I heard ruffling so i opened my eyes just a little to see bright blue eyes searching to see if i was awake. I then watched this little shit pull something out of her pullup and start chewing on it. I jumped out of bed to run to her because 1. That's nasty and 2. She was supposed to be asleep. As I jumped out of bed, I pushed the blanket down and in my rush to stop her from eating whatever the fuck it was, I didnt realize the blankets were wrapped around my feet. I fell flat on my face. The damn floor came out of nowhere and beat the shit out of me. I finally got myself up and gathered to go over to her bed to see she's laying there with her eyes closed and mouth open. I KNOW she was just awake. I literally saw her looking at me and even if that was just me hallucinating in my sleep deprived state, there's no fucken way she slept through my fat ass smashing my face off the floor. The whole damn house shook like we were having an earthquake. I was seriously worried about the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After surving hundreds of years on its unstable foundation, my fat ass falling as hard as I did probably knocked the damn thing over. Anyways, I get to her and start investigating. I looked in her bed all around her and didn't find anything. I went to go back to bed and then i realized that during my UFC fight with the floor, I had somehow forgotten that I watched her pull something out of her pullup. I turn back around to see my little Cockblockistan native with a smirk on her face. She thinks she's won. I kneel down and pull out her pullup to find BREADSTICKS!! A shit ton of breadsticks. We had Pizza Hut for dinner and I ordered breadsticks with them, but when we went to eat them, we couldn't find them anywhere. I thought I had forgotten them when I picked up our order. She stole an entire order of fucken breadsticks and must have hid them until they cooled down enough to put them in her pullup!! Then, she pretended to be asleep so she could eat them all. Anyone want this spermling before I lose my fucken mind?! 😂🥖🥖

Small victory

I am grown with 4 children. I have accomplished so much in my life and have gone through so much. I have seen and overcome more obstacles than they have in the damn Olympic games. I've done all of this and yet, one thing still hinders me. There is ONE quest that I can't conquer without going to war first. For the life of me, I can NEVER make my bed without it turning into a huge fight. I've tried so many times, but my native of Cockblockistan has this sixth sense where she immediately knows exactly when I am pulling fresh bedding from the dryer. She runs to my bed and jumps on it in anticipation of our upcoming Strong Man tug of war competition. She'll pull. I'll pull. She ends up pointing at me and yelling "LET A GO, MOM!!" I can usually distract her by singing and dancing the popular Frozen song and she'll jump up and go find her Elsa doll which gives me about 2 minutes to finish the chore before she returns. One of these nights, she's going to catch on to my antics or decide she doesn't like Frozen anymore, but until then, cheers to small victories, mamas!! 🍾

Refreshing toilet water

My husband got McDonald's for dinner because I'm just over it today and decided I wasnt going to cook dinner. He stopped after work and grabbed food to bring home for everyone. He got himself a sweet tea because he drinks most of it and then let's our moddler have the flavored melted ice after he's finished. She took it, finished it, and decided she needed a refill, but she cant reach the sink so she tried to fill it up in the toilet. I obviously shut that shit down real quick. I took the cup and threw it away as I was trying to explain how absolutely fucken disgusting drinking toilet water is. She got PISSED!! She acted as though I had ruined her entire life and murdered her family. She screamed and cried, rolled around on the floor, and then ran to her room to slam her door. About 5 minutes later, she came out acting like a completely different person. It's like she had completely forgotten what had transpired just moments ago that caused her to act as though I was trying to perform a fucken exorcism on her. I thought everything was fine and she was over her quest to drive me crazy by doing something disgusting. I was naive. A few minutes passed and she claimed she had to pee so she went back to the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it until I realized she was taking an awfully long time. I went to check on her and as I rounded the corner, I saw the most disgusting sight I've ever seen in my life. She was sitting in her chair right next to the toilet with the straw from the McDonald's cup, drinking the water STRAIGHT FROM THE BOWL!! I immediately starting gagging as she took the straw out of her mouth, looked straight at me and said, "mmmmmm, ilicous!!" I. JUST. CAN'T!! Anyone want this ovary dropping? Warning: she has one hell of a potty mouth!! 🚽😳🤢