Part 3

Quarantine confessions part 3:

My crotch goblins JUST went to bed because they were playing Mario Kart and I lost track of time. They were leaving me alone and having fun. I don't even feel bad about it.

Escape

Since we can't escape our twat tokens, this seems like the next best thing. Asylum seems fitting considering our situation. Wish us luck.

Rebellion

When your sibling is trying to start a rebellion over the taxation of snacks, but you're okay with the hierarchy because you're allowed to play on the nabi.

Part 2

Quarantine confessions part 2:

I really want to socially distance myself from my fallopian fruit, but apparently they rely on me for survival. 🤦🏼‍♀️😩

Part 1

Quarantine confessions part 1:

I don't remember the last time my kids showered.

Check the background

I took an adorable picture of my uterus droppings kicking my ass at yahtzee yesterday. I almost posted it, but I do that thing where I check the background first to make sure my house doesn't appear to be inhibited by a neglectful hoarder. During this game of I-spy how big of a mess I am, I happened to glimpse something alarming. Directly beside my 7yos head in said picture was my toddler standing right beside her potty chair. She was facing the opposite direction, crouched over, with her brown eye winking at the camera. I'm just over here trying to capture memories and I could have been arrested. The moral of this story is to always check the background before posting a picture, especially when you have a moddler. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Quit beating me

"I love you so much and I'm really trying to be nice to you, but if you keep kicking my ass at these games, I'm dropping you off at a fire station."

Ultimate Sock Matching

Day who the hell knows of quarantine:

We played ultimate sock matching championship. I matched the most socks in the allotted time and had an award ceremony so my kids could present me with my 1st place gold medal. 

I think we're starting to crack.

Momhub

Momhub

Hear me out.....

It's like Grubhub, but specifically for wine delivery. There will be a 1-10 number scale to disclose how crazy your womb wreckers have been throughout the day which will determine the level of care you recieve. Anything over 10 will allow the driver to fake an issue with your payment method to allow a 5 minute escape from your home to eat a snack and cry/scream in the delivery vehicle. Thoughts?

Google Eyes

You're just too bad to be true

I can't take my eyes off you.

You don't listen when I say not to touch

I wanna yell at you so much.

At long last google eyes have arrived

I don't know how I've kept you alive

You're just too bad to be true

Can't take my eyes off you.

Kitchen sink

We just found some chocolate ass cake in our kitchen sink. I bet you have some questions. Keep your eggs in your ovaries, Karen. I'll explain. My semen demon has been wearing the same underwear all day. We knew she was using her potty because her booty holster has remained dry but we assumed the tiny dictator was having her siblings do her dirty work and empty it. We were wrong. Little miss independent has been emptying her own potty.........in the kitchen sink. When confronted, she said, "haha.....I poop in dere." I'm pretty sure this is some sort of social experiment to see how much craziness we can withstand before we succumb to the insanity.

Remix

Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say

But nothing comes out when they move their lips

Just a bunch of gibberish

And these kids act like they forgot I'm the madre.......

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe she's born with it. 

Maybe its poop. 

..........or maybe it's just Anna suffocating in her booty crease. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Booty call

Isn't ironic how the product of your booty call now calls you to wipe their booty? 🤔

The universe sucks.

Me: "I'm exhausted. My husband and offspring are driving me crazy. I can't take much more of this quarantine shit."

Universe: "I know EXACTLY what you need."

Me: "Thank god!!"

Universe: "Here's your period."

🤬

Naked pooping

So, apparently my son shits completely naked. Is that normal or is my ovary candy defective? I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when the door gets kicked in. I see my son standing there doing some type of ass backwards dance like Cotton Eyed Joe is playing in his extremely awkward pre-teen mind. His eyes were about to bulge out of his head when he yelled, "I have to poop, NOW!!" Considering I have a mouth full of toothpaste at this point, the only think I could do was gesture towards the toilet in an attempt to tell him to go ahead. I was trying to hurry to get out of there before his shit whispers completely engulfed the room when I saw his reflection in the mirror. This child was wrestling with himself trying to get completely naked while his anal acoustics were echoing off the walls. I was laughing so hard that I started choking on my toothpaste. I finally got my mouth rinsed out as he was sitting down on the toilet, completely exasperated. I asked him why the hell he needed to get completely naked. He looked me in the face with the most serious look and between breaths he said, "I need to be able to breathe." 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

A compass?

Me: " Do you know where your sister's cup is?"

7yo: "What do I look like? A compass?" 

I swear to God, y'all. I'm about to lose it!

Wude an mean

My moddler was just getting pissed off because her naked Elsa doll wouldnt drive them around in her power wheels truck because she's a DOLL. Her brother thought this was the funniest shit he's ever seen in his life so he was literally rolling around laughing at her frustrations. She yelled, "ahhhhhhhh" as she got out of her truck, slammed her door shut, and ran over to her brother. She grabbed his face with both of her tiny little hands, got so close that their noses were touching and through gritted teeth she said, "no fukin funny, Camin." I've never seen him more terrified. My 2.5 year old daughter just put my 10 year old son in his place. I told her we don't say that and she just looked at me like she couldn't believe I had the audacity to correct her while she was so rattled. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and ran to her room screaming about how we're all "wude an mean!" This one is going to be the end of me. 

Matching game

Looking for something educational and beneficial for your kids to do during this lockdown? 

Have your coochie creations match that enormous pile of unmatched socks. Matching games help stimulate their little brains, they'll be too busy to destroy your house, and you won't have to do it. It's a triple win. 

You're welcome. 

Lost and found

I lost my moddler today. My twat tokens were running in and out of the house to get supplies to clean up the yard. They had to get snacks and take a shit every 15 seconds because apparently physical labor causes my offspring's digestive systems to work faster and harder than they ever have in their entire lives. My husband was off trying to find some insignificant part to some insignificant piece of random technology that he found and decided needed fixed at the exact same time that this chaos was occurring. The dogs have decided that they all hate the cat now so they were torn between barking at the kids coming back in and the cat running around showing her dirt star to everyone because she's either in heat or she's just witness my toddler do it so much, that she seems to think that is how we greet people around here. Either way, nobody is a fan. I was unsuccessfully attempting to play ring leader to this circus when all of a sudden, I realized that it's been about 5 minutes since I've opened a pack of gummies or saw an asshole without fur on it. I looked all through my house, but she was nowhere to be found. As soon as I opened the front door to yell for her siblings to come in and help me find her, I saw the reflection from the sun bouncing off her pale, Scottish skin. She had stripped completely down to her birthday suit, put on a pair of rain boots, and was dancing on the front porch. I've decided that we need to move because I will never be able to face the neighbors again. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Underwear

I'm wearing underwear for the first time in months. I just forgot to put them on one day while I was in a hurry and just haven't worn them since. My ovary candy is currently screaming and refusing to leave the house because, "you wear my pans!" I'm not wearing her damn pants nor have I ever even attempted to squeeze my fat ass into any of them. So, if you see us out of the house for any reason and you overhear my moddler screaming at me about "pans" just know that I'm just trying to run errands with underwear on. 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ 

Welcome

There's nothing more embarrassing than having company over only for them to see my moddler in her birthday suit with her head between her legs as she's giving them her vertical brown smile as they walk in the door. At the same time, it completely helps validate everything I've ever written about how unbelievably awkward my uterus dropping is and why we never leave the house. Thank god the only people that ever open the door to this shit show is family and those visits are few and far between. 

Carrots

When you're so used to junk food that you don't know what to do when you're given a healthy snack.........

"Mom, Dad LOOK!! Cortits ah funny"

CARROT!! They're carrots and you're supposed to eat them. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Trying to enjoy a movie

We're just sitting here trying to enjoy some family time with a movie and popcorn when our moddler decides to strip completely down for a skin party. She stands in front of the tv, bends over and yells, "look ah my butt!!" Apparently she thought we'd enjoy looking straight at her brownie bowl more than watching our movie. I guess that's what we get for deciding to watch something other than Frozen 2. 

Joker

I absolutely hate hearing, "I do nuttin, mom" without any prompting needed. I don't know about y'all, but I know when my fallopian fruit randomly decide to declare their innocence, there is some absurdity on the horizon. I immediately respond by demanding their physical presence. I have seen some crazy shit throughout my years, but I was not expecting the joker to come strolling out of the mud room, wearing nothing but this painted on smile. She has absolutely no fucks to give as she asked, "I pretty?" Yes, girl. You're pretty......a pretty big mess. 

Chaos

We've officially all completely lost our minds. Today started off like any other day.........with my womb wreckers fighting with each other. I opened my eyes and immediately had to summon my referee persona to break up whatever the hell they decided to argue about before it got physical. It was obviously escalating faster than I had time to sell tickets to the tiny tots tussle so the combat couldn't commence. During the chaos, I put a k-cup in and pushed the button because I realized it was going to be a long fucken day. In my sleep deprived state, I forgot a key element, THE CUP!! Coffee started spewing out of my Keurig. This is where we all forgot how to function. I reached for the power cord as my 7yo grabbed the coffee mug. My 10yo decided to immediately jump into action by trying to capture the steaming hot nectar with.....wait for it.......HIS HANDS!! He screamed. I screamed. He kept ahold of that black gold and I had to grab him and shove him to the sink to rinse it off. My 7yo panicked and threw the coffee mug so she could run and grab a towel. My moddler ran after the mug all giddy like she was playing a game of fucken fetch and brought it back, screaming for someone to throw it again. Anyways, how has your day been?

Icy Hot

Does anyone remember when I wrote about my belly fruit rubbing vaporub on her dirt donut? Apparently she was a fan of the cold sensation. Unfortunately, she got her hands on a tube of icy hot this time. I don't know if she smelled it and assumed it would give her the same sensation or she just likes to lather herself up. All I know is that I was standing there helping her sister with common core, which is the absolute WORST concept ever invented, when I hear screams coming from the bathroom. I ran in there to see that she had squeezed the tube into her cheek ditch. She seemed shocked that instead of the nice cool sensation that she expected, it burned. We're now recovering. I just don't understand what the appeal is of rubbing stuff on her and WHY it has to be in her fart box. To answer your questions Karen, my son left the bathroom door open and the icy hot was on top of the mirror which meant she climbed on the toilet to climb on the sink to be able to reach it. I didn't hand it to her or leave it in her toy box and despite my best efforts, she finds a way to get into the dumbest shit. 

Ghostbusters

Does anyone happen to know how to get ahold of Ghost Busters or even someone that performs exorcisms? My house has had a ghost or more accurately, an evil spirit since we moved in about 4 years ago. There have been mysterious turds left in the upstairs bathroom, snacks that disappear into thin air, walls that have crayon appear on them overnight, and my favorite, children crying because something inexplicably happened to them when "nobody" was around. When I confront my sperm sprouts about the cryptic patterns I've observed, everyone is oblivious. I'm no Mulder and Scully, but I sense some fuckery afoot. Regarless of my opinions though, I'd really like to rid my family of whatever fiber loving, artistic, fight club promoting supernatural being is in our home. Any suggestions?

Home schooling

Home schooling is going great. Today, in English, we learned about three new swear words and how to use them in context. In math we learned that one glass plus one bottle of wine equals a teacher who likes to dance which is coincidentally where we incorporated both physical education and music class. I'm pretty sure I'm killin it. 

Just another day

You know you're a SAHM when the government calls for "social distancing" and you don't have to make a single change to your routine.

Kick rocks

I told my kids to kick rocks and they thought it sounded like a fun game. They're outside now having a competition to see who can kick the most rocks more effectively. I needed my driveway leveled anyways. At least now I won't have to pay anyone to do it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#momwin

They don't fit

I tried to wear some shorts I had in storage today. I got one leg in and then the other. I had gotten what I assumed was the hard part over with. Next, I got them up to my thighs. This is where I had to do some cardio. I twisted and jumped around for about 15 minutes trying to at least get my stink ring covered up. I'm committed to wearing these damn shorts at this point. Eventually, I got them up. I'm making progress. Now, the fucken button.... I realized I wasn't going to be able to fasten them in any conventional way so I went over to lay on the couch to try the ONE way I thought might work. I sucked everything in to the point where I could ALMOST button them. I was soooooooo close, but all that suctioning backfired and I ended up letting out the loudest bowel howel I've ever heard. Unbeknownst to me, my love trophies were all gathered around watching this unravel and as soon as that booty bomb went off, they lost it. Their shrieks scared the shit out of me and I ended up rolling right off the couch. 

Long story short, does anyone have any tips on relieving back pain?

Rob the bank

We're raising a very polite criminal. My husband was laying in the couch when the fruit of his loins ran up and jumped on him causing cash to fall out of his pocket. She grabbed a dollar and then tried to grab more before he got it put back. As she was running away, she screamed, "hank you, dad!!" She just robbed the bank and then thanked him for his cooperation on her way out as if he had a choice in the matter. At least the pint-sized hoodlum had manners. You win some, you lose some and by some, I mean dollar bills. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Who's the favorite?

Day 4 of quarantine:

My uterus candies just counted their chips to see who I liked more. Apparently their logic was that the one with the most chips is the favorite. 

Jokes on them though because I don't like any of them.

Just trying to call one of them.

Why does it feel like I have tourettes everytime I try to call one of my children? It's always like "Ash-elle-SHIT-ca-aaaaa-FUCKME-goddamnit-AMELIA!!" By the time I FINALLY get the damn name out that I'm looking for, I end up forgetting what I'm even yelling about. It always results in all of my children standing in front of me just as confused as I am. 🤦🏼‍♀️

No sports

Day 4 with no sports: 

My husband has now realized we have children.

Just a sip

Saturday: "We need to stock up on wine if I'm going to be home with these kids for two weeks."

*gets 6 bottles

"This will last me a little bit. I'll just take a sip everytime one of the kids does something stupid."

Monday: "FUCK. WE'RE OUT OF WINE!!"

Mickey

Apparently our asshole cat killed a mouse and brought it to my semen demon. I am not sure exactly when Mickey Mouse was murdered in our clubhouse or why his mousekadoertool set didn't protect him from our fiesty feline. All I know is that my moddler just tried to bring it's corpse to bed with her. She usually tries to sneak a toy so I started patting her down like a prison inmate before letting her climb in. I practically pissed myself because I was not prepared for what she was trying to smuggle. She is completely devastated that I refused to let her have a sleepover with this poor, lifeless rodent. I am officially the worst mom ever all because I just threw her new best friend in the trash. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I "gooder"

I got myself something today while attempting to get groceries. It was just a Hershey bar, but it was my personal reward for not losing my shit out in public. My little tinder trophy spotted it as I was trying to put groceries away. She brought it over and asked in the sweetest way, "I ave some? I good girl." So, I caved and broke off a little rectangle piece for her. She looked utterly disappointed at my sharing capabilities and exclaimed, "what a hell, mom?!?!" I told her I was a good girl too so I got it for me. I also said that after I put everything away, I was going to make dinner so she didn't need to fill up on chocolate. I went back to my tedious task and when I finished, I went to enjoy my snack. I turned around to grab my grocery trophy only to find the table empty with the exception of the ONE piece I broke off and gave away. She left me her piece and took the rest of the damn candy bar. When confronted about why she took my treat, she shrugged at me and said, "I gooder....." Apparently we have differing opinions on who behaved better. I'm pretty sure it was me, but I guess I don't have to make dinner now. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Shopping trip

I am in serious need of some help. Im about to go down a long and exhausting path. I haven't been this stressed out in quite a long time. I know what I'm about to go through has to be done for the sake of everyone. We all are going to benefit from it, but actually following through has my anxiety through the roof. It's going to be physically and emotionally draining. So, if y'all could simply pray for me to whomever you pray to, I'd greatly appreciate it. I could use all the help I can get........

Now, it's time to get off here and actually go into Walmart for my regular monthly grocery run. Wish me luck. 🙏🏼🤦🏼‍♀️

Poor couch

T-36 hours since quarantine and the dogs have eaten my couch. Send wine. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Please stop

"MOM, YA POOPIN? I cowor you"

Please just get up off the bathroom floor and get back in this stall with me. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Toddler-whipped

I'm over here minding my own damn business when I felt something on my foot. I looked down to see the the oves on my vagina fruit. Now, were just sitting here while she colors on me instead of my walls. This is the epitome of being toddler-whipped.

Rude awakening

There is nothing more terrifying than waking up to see the infant version of your significant other so close to your face that if you blink, your eyelash will graze their eyeball and when they exhale, you can actually taste the nasty morning milk breath all up on your tastebuds. I don't think anything could ever prepare a parent for that. Not only is it emotionally and mentally straining, but physically as well. The shock itself will have you trying to pull a Chris Brown on what your mind is telling you is an armed assailant, but you have to fight every cell in your body to refrain because this intruder came from your vagina and the only thing it's weilding is a damn sippy cup. All that's left to do is just scream, "what the fuck?!" I give it a 0/10 and would definitely not reccomend starting your day like this.

One step at a time

I just watched my moddler fall down the very last step 7 different ways. There was one step left so I let go of her hand so she could go through the gate in front of me. She took a step and her foot slid out so she practically did a split. Then, she was pulling herself up and fell forward onto her hands. She put her feet together and pushed herself up only to fall on her butt. She stood back up and somehow fell to her side. Then, fell to the other side trying to straighten out. Then FINALLY got off the step only to fall back on her butt again and then finished by landing on her face as she was getting off her butt. It was like watching a pin ball in the form of my ovary dropping. Maybe she was still soapy from her bath causing a greased pig effect with the steps or maybe it's because she refused to drop her Moana towel. Either way, she wouldn't let me help her and just kept repeatedly yelling, "oh, shit...... I okay!" 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Soda mishap

I just had my first sippy cup mishap. Did y'all know that if you put soda in a sippy, it'll squirt everywhere?!?! I sure as fuck didn't. I also didnt intentionally try to give my toddler a cup of sugar syrup at 2 in the damn morning either. She woke me up by hitting me in the face with her cup asking for milk. I'm sleeping. I am not going to get up to get milk. So, I frantically searched my nightstand, praying for a bottle of water that I normally bring to bed with me. I grabbed what I thought was water and dumped it in her cup, all with my eyes barely open. I gave her the cup and laid back down. Then it happened. IT BLEW EVERYWHERE!! This cup turned into a pissed off hand-held volcano wielded by my uterus candy. Neither of us knew what in the actual fuck was happening. It stopped furiously squirting it's sticky goo all over my bed so she held it out for me to take only for it to start again, spraying all up in my face. Now she's wide awake because that was apparently the coolest shit she's ever seen in her life and I ended up getting out of bed anyways thanks to my coca-cola facial I was just blessed with. I need a vacation. 

High pants gang

When you can't beat em, join em.

Roast

7yo: "Move over, fatty!"

10yo: "You're mom's a fatty...."

7yo: "WE HAVE THE SAME MOM!!"

12yo: "Well, apparently it's genetic."

Nobody roasts you like your own damn kids. I'm about to throw these ones away and start over. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I wanted a snack.

#Momlife is sitting down to FINALLY have a snack only to get this out of the bag of chips you specifically bought for yourself. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Musical Beds

I woke up to my foot being played with. I thought it was the dog so I went to push him down off the bed because I HATE my feet being touched. I'm glad I looked first. I would have just yeeted my poor womb wrecker right off of my damn bed. Apparently they decided to switch spots. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Eggs?

I'm just a mom, sitting on the toilet in front of my toddler, asking why the fuck she has the eggs. 

Open a tool set? No thanks.

My twat token had the audacity to come and ask me to open this tool set for her today. She has an entire room FULL of toys, but this is what she demanded she needed to play with. She insists on destroying everything in sight from the moment she opens those bright blue built-in snack spotters of hers. Whatcha gonna do now, Bob the Builder? Tear apart the damn furniture too?!? Hard no. Good effort though. 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

No eye contact

I've never come in contact with a leopard before, but I have put a toddler to bed and the rules are basically the same:

1: Stay calm.

2: Don't make eye contact.

3. Back away slowly.

4. I said DON'T make eye contact.

5. You fucked up, bud. 

6. It was nice knowing you.

Pimple

Me: "Awe. You've got a pimple on your face!"

Toddler: "a wat? Peeel? 

Me: "No. PI-MM-PLE."

Toddler: "Ohhhhh. PEEEENILE" 

Me: 🤨

Toddler: 😁

Me: "Close enough." 

Vick's

I just caught my love trophy rubbing baby Vick's vaporub on her butthole. I walked into the kitchen to see her bent over, cheeks spread, just lathering it on there. 🤦🏼‍♀️ She might have assumed it was diaper rash cream or maybe she just thought her chocolate pocket was congested. Either way, I threw her in the bath and scrubbed her down, but now she's walking around lookin like a cowboy that just got done riding his steed saying "my butt coooooooold." 😳 I don't know why she is the way that she is or why she does the things that she does. All I know is that it's never boring around here.

Sharing snot

I just opened my mouth to tell my child to cover her mouth at the exact same time that she sneezed directly in my face, resulting in me getting a snot rocket shot directly to the back of my throat. If that doesn't describe why parenting is the most disgusting job there is, I don't know what will.

Tattoo

I have a tattoo on my thigh. It's been on my body since before this child came out of it and it has caused quite the conundrum today. She has been told repeatedly that we don't draw on ourselves because that seems to be her favorite thing to do lately. So now, my ovary candy is actively trying to scrub my tattoo off my leg because I'm a "bad mom" for "cowor on you leg!!" Apparently she thinks I get up every damn day and draw the same exact image on myself? She's obviously furious at this inequality, enough so to keep yelling "dammit" while rolling her eyes at me as she's struggling to remove this PERMANENT drawing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fed is Best

Me before kids: "I'm going to feed my children all organic, free range foods and we'll stick to a strict eating schedule with absolutely no junk food."

Me after kids: "Share the donuts, you little shit. I want a midnight snack too!! Let's get some ice cream after this."

Showah

Today we are mad because mom won't let us "showah" in the "washah" despite the fact that she is not a dish of any sort. She doesn't seem to understand that even if she somehow manages to not drown, she wouldn't survive the heat cycle to dry her. Instead, my crotch dropping is extremely pissed at me for keeping her alive. I'm just the mean asshole trying to save her life. 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Dramatic

Anyone else have an overdramatic moddler? We went to the doctors today and they did the finger poke lead test. My curtain climber has REFUSED to use her entire arm all damn day!! She acts like it needs to be amputated. She saw them take blood and something in her little mind made her decide, "well, that's it. My arm is dead now" and I can't get her to realize that her arm is FINE!! She's just running around swinging it all over like it's just dead weight and has a "we had a good run" attitude towards it. One finger prick and her left arm is done for, all the way to her fucken shoulder!! She's just over here acting paralyzed from her fingertip up. 🙄 She's soooooooo dramatic. 😂

Mob boss

I don't know what my mini mob boss's dolls have seen, but one thing is certain, they sure as shit aren't going to tell me. 😳

Assailant

I try to be a good mom. I try to be supportive and understanding, doing the best I can to instill morals and basic human decency in my crotch fruit. Despite that, this one has decided to turn to crime. I caught this armed assailant in the kitchen, wielding a golf club. She was swinging this thing around like she was trying to hit a pinata through her mask. She just kept screaming, "yee-haw!! Where da cookies at?!" 😳 Does anyone know if there is a scared straight for toddlers?

Poop?

My moddler jumped on my husband and somehow ended up grabbing his love stick:

Husband: "You need to be careful. That hurt!" 

Bean: "Is a poop?!"

Husband: "No. It's not a turd. That's my wiener."

Bean: "oh. Isa big weiner." 

I'm over here dying. 😂☠

Apunzel

I'm just sitting here, trying to enjoy my cold coffee when my uterus candy says, "MOM!! MOM!! MOM!!" So, I look at her standing on my couch and tell her she needs to sit. She just smiles at me and says, "I apunzel!!" Then, she flipped her hair and dove straight out from the couch only to drop like she was the damn road runner running off a cliff. I was trying to process the fact that my spawn just did a belly flop right in front of me onto the carpet when she got up with the most appalled look on her face, as if she couldn't believe her hair didn't stop her from experiencing that painful belly bump. She exclaimed, "I AWIVE!!" Now, we're watching Tangled AGAIN to see where she went wrong and I'm trying to get my heart rate back down to normal. Happy Monday. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Get it together.

I lost my phone. Well, I thought I lost my phone, but really, it was my mind that I lost. I had my phone in my hand, flashlight on as I was frantically searching for it. I was moving the blankets around and my ovary dropping woke up out of a dead sleep and said, "wat a hell?" I told her it was fine and to lay back down because mama was just looking for her phone. She looked at my phone in my hand and then looked at me like she couldn't believe I had the audacity to pass down these award winning genetics. With a straight face, she said, "get it a gether, mom!!" Then, almost as quickly as she woke up, she passed back out. 

I'm trying to get it together, kid. I'm really trying. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️