Checking her temp

We're sitting here watching Toy Story 4 and I keep hearing a beeping. It stops and then starts again. It's really starting to get annoying so I asked my crotch goblin if she hears it and she says, "hear wat, mom?" 🙄 She can hear me open a bag of chips from three rooms away with the doors shut and multiple televisions on. I KNOW she can hear that god damn beeping. I ask her what she has and she shows me her hands in an attempt to prove she has nothing. Finally, it stopped and my moddler jumped up, pulled her underwear down, and turned around to show me her ass. There was a fucken thermometer in between her buttcheeks!! She looked like she was trying to smuggle this damn thing through airport security. It wasn't in her asshole, but just sitting there, all nice and snug like a fucken thermometer burrito in her booty crease. She bent over as if to encourage me to reach on in there and pry it out. Then, she looked at me through her chubby little thighs and said, "well, what it say? I sick o no?" 

Why is she the way that she is?! 

Midnight snack

My moddler finished a late night snack tonight. She wanted to eat tomatoes and ranch. It's one of her favorites. The only problem with that is that she will make a huge mess and then IMMEDIATELY climb on her father when she's done, essentially marinating him with her tomato juice and ranch leftovers. Then, he bitches at me because she does this after HE let's her out of her seat without wiping her off first. This happened and then she ratted out her father for saying bad words after he aggreed to reel it in to prevent her from repeating bad shit. 

Husband: "I hate it when you give her a plate of tomatoes and ranch."

Bean: "YEAH, MOM. THE FUCK?!"

Husband: "Baby, don't say that!!" 

Bean: "uhhhhhh, you do."

What am I going to do with these two?! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Not fair!!

Every damn time I try to take a bath, my moddler will evade her father, three siblings, two dogs, and cat to come upstairs. She will break through any barrier in her way like she's Jason fucken Bourne to sneak up on me while I'm trying to relax and scare me so damn bad that I almost drown. I can't even turn the water on in the bathtub without activating some sort of Russian sleeper agent in the form of my extremely determined crib midget. This 3ft ninja who wears nothing but a smile will lose her damn mind unless I give in and let her join me in the tub. So, why is it that Anna gets to have a spa day in the toilet all by herself, just chillin in the jacuzzi, living her best fucken life thanks to the same child that refuses to go anywhere while I'm trying to get some "me time" besides directly in my asshole, staring straight up my poop chute while I'm trying to clean my crevices?! This shit doesn't seem fair at all. 

Just dry my clothes!!

For the past few days, I've been repeating the same sequence of events. I go to pull the clothes out of the dryer, notice that they're still wet as fuck, justify that realization by blaming mom brain because I must have just gotten distracted and forgot to start it, restart said dryer, go tend to other chores, come back to wet clothes, and repeat. I've even incorporated my family into this insanely repetitive task by asking them to switch over the clothes for me and then getting pissed when the clothes are still wet because, "nobody can do anything right around here!!" 🙄 It's been at least two days, maybe longer. The dirty laundry has PILED THE FUCK UP!! I finally tapped into my detective skills to realize, "hey, maybe the dryer isnt working." So, I did what any sane person would do and I broke down to ask my husband, despite being a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. He asked some stupid questions like, is it plugged in? So, I cleaned it off and pulled it out to check. Yup, it's plugged in. Is it spinning and making noise? Yup. Are the knobs all on the right settings? What kind of stupid ass ques...........figured it out. Someone fucked with my dryer knobs!!! I have learned two things today. One, it takes me an embarrassingly long time to realize I'm repeating the same task over and over with no results. And two, one or more of these damn kids are trying to get me committed. That is all. Now, I need to go do about 20 loads of fucken laundry. Wish me luck. 

Headband

We spent our day with this "headband" on our head. It is most definitely not an actual headband. This bright blue accessory is my WEDDING GARTER!! My uterus candy wore my prenuptial thigh tie on her head all day long with her hair looking like she lost a fight with aqua net. She even wore it out to run errands. This inadvertent rendition of a redneck fashion statement accompanied her on her travels to get groceries and pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. It's apparently her new favorite addition to her look. At least it looks cute. 😂

Gate

Get a new gate they said. She won't be able to get into shit they said. 🙄 THEY WERE WRONG. We have gone through about 7 of the wooden gates because she will grab ahold of them and break the wood. She's like a fucken black belt, karate chopping the shit out of these poor gates. We finally decided to upgrade instead of spending money on another wooden gate that she'll just break. Twelve hours after we put up this $40 gate, she figured out that if she pulls it hard enough, she can unlock it and it'll open. TWELVE FUCKEN HOURS..... I was pissed so I tightened the damn thing as tight as I possibly could so she wouldnt be able to break through. I heard her trying to pull it again and I just smiled and said to myself, "you can't get it, you little shit. I fixed it!! Welcome to maximum security, you little psycho!!" I honestly don't know why I am so naive. You'd think I would know better by now. I heard a big bang and rounded the corner to see the entire gate on the floor with her on top of it. She ripped the whole thing down and was jumping on it!! I can't even do a full pull up so why the hell is this child so freakishly strong? She goes full blown hulk and it's absolutely terrifying. I should get her into some strong man competitions. She will stop at nothing to go where you tell her she can't go. 🙄

Beaner!

I call my moddler Bean. I used to call her Beaner, but I would get terrible looks from people for screaming, "get back here, beaner!!" when she'd run away from me while we were out in public so I shortened it to Bean. The nickname is originated from the song Mexican Americans from Cheech and Chong. That damn song is stuck in my frontal lobe and I CONSTANTLY break out in song and dance to sing it(see picture for reference). My moddler would lose her shit when I would eventually reach the part of the song that goes, "BEANERS......GONNA KICK EM IN THE FACE!!" In hindsight, it might have been my terrible high kick that she was laughing at because after 4 kids, I can barely tie my shoes, let alone do a fucken high kick, pretending like I'm a god damn gymnast. Because of my weird obsession with these two stoners and their movies, my ringtone is Mexican Americans, specifically Chong's part. I usually have my phone on vibrate when we go anywhere, but when we're home, the volume is always on. When I get a call, she'll yell BEANERS and run to grab my phone. I found it hilarious that she loves this song so much that she sings it everytime my phone goes off. The problem that I'm having now is that she yells it even when she plays with her play phones. She'll grab her phone, yell "BEANERS" and then pretend like she's talking, but she's an angry phone talker so she will yell into her phone like her name is Karen and she is demanding to speak to a manager. When we leave the house, I have to search her like she's a prison inmate to make sure she isn't carrying a contraband phone because I seriously don't want her to unnecessarily offend anyone while we're out and about. So, if for any reason, any of you ever run into me in public and happen to hear her screaming into something she's pretending is a phone, do not be alarmed. She's not being derogatory. She just loves that fucken song. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Casshole

I fucked up, y'all. I called our cat an asshole within earshot of my moddler. She thought it was hilarious and is now referring to the cat as "casshole". At least casshole sounds awfully similar to castle so if we have anyone over, they'll just assume she's telling this poor cat to get in her castle. She doesn't have a castle, but that will be our little secret. 🤫

Procrastinating

Son: I have homework from Thursday that I need to do. 

Me: It's Sunday and you're just NOW telling me that you have homework? Quit procrastinating, boy!! How are you going to be a productive member of society if you continuously put off shit that needs done? Go do it. 

Me: *restarts washer for the fourth time in a row because I kept putting off switching it over so now the clothes smell bad........again.* 

Me to husband: I don't know where he gets this shit from. 

Husband: 😐🤨

Just love me!!

When you've been waiting all day for him to get home to love you, but all he wants to do is talk about himself. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I'm too sick for this shit.

I'm stuck in bed, sick as fuck and my moddler was sitting here with me watching Frozen 2. She yelled she had to go potty. I told her to go ahead and come right back when she was done. She left and was gone for a bit before coming back in all excited, carrying the insert to her potty FULL of poop and pee. I watched her running and as I opened my mouth to tell her to be careful, she tripped and the septic grenade went airborne. Guess where it landed? MY FUCKEN BED!! All over me, the blankets, the sheet, and the pillows. I honestly have no fucken idea how that much came out of her. It came falling down like hail as my heart skipped a beat and time seemingly stopped just for a second to let me process what was happening. All I heard her say was, "ohhhhhhh, shit!!" Then, as I'm laying there in disbelief, contemplating my life choices and wondering what I've done to the universe to end up where I am at right now, this little shit climbed up into my bed and bent over. I was covered in her waste with a face full of asshole and she says, "you ipe mine ass o no?" I. Am. Done. With. Today. 😩

#freethebeaver

All I want to do is get my cave of wonders explored by my husband. That is all. It feels like the poor man hasn't been cave diving in such a long time. I might actually be getting cobwebs at this point. Everytime we attempt this feat as of late, our little wildlife poacher in training decides to climb in bed with us, essentially trapping my poor beaver and making it impossible for it to get the wood it needs in order to be a productive member of the animal kingdom. I know that someday she'll move out of Cockblockistan, but until then, I might actually lose my mind. I'm about to call Ace Ventura and see if he can help me with this dilemma on the case of #freethebeaver. Would it be acceptable to get a sitter just long enough to grease the wheels? Asking for a friend. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It. Is. A. Rock.

Reason 428 for throwing a fit on this lovely day:

Today we found a rock. It's not a regular rock from outside, but some weird ass shiny rock that my son got at the Science Center. I let my moddler play with it and she brought it over demanding that I "open it!!" I don't know if you guys read the first part so let me reiterate. IT IS A FUCKEN ROCK!! I don't know in what alternate reality you can just open a rock like it's a god damn plastic Easter egg, but I know it sure as shit isn't this one. So, now we're throwing a fit on the floor because it must be some crazy conspiracy to keep her away from some sort of treasure inside this rock that I am refusing to open despite it being PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. What a perfect day to day drink. 🥂

Priceless

Baby walker she's pretending is a stroller: $22

Baby doll: $19

Doc Mcstuffins doctor bag w/stethoscope: $20

Hair ties: $3

Wondering where the fuck she's going pushing that baby around, letting that stethoscope swing around between her legs like it's an overgrown skin sword while her hair is falling out of her hair tie just enough to look like she has a mullet:

PRICELESS!!

Ankles

Apparently we're calling our ankles "floks" now. I don't know if she's trying to combine the words foot and leg or if she's just doing it because it sounds extremely similar to fuck and we've been working exceedingly hard trying to get this crass curtain climber to stop swearing because she's going to be going into early preschool. Since she's been doing speech therapy and her speech has improved, she's caught on to the worst possible words. The past few days, she has been saying "wat a heck" instead of "wat a fuck" and says "oley apoli" instead of "oley shit" so I thought we were getting somewhere. All day today though, she's been saying "flok" and I've been bitching about it. I didn't know what she was referring to so I keep correcting her, but it didn't seem to make a difference. She's been at war with this damn cat all day and I thought she was just screaming "fuk" at it. Well, I just watched the cat jump out from under the table and attack her ankle like she was a fucken lion and my moddler's foot was an impala. She cried and yelled "FLOK" before coming over to demand I kiss it. I should have known she wasn't yelling directly at this asshole feline because she didn't say, "fuk off" which is usually her term of choice. I can not win with this one. I guess we'll just take our "floks" and go to bed. 🤦🏼‍♀️😳

Baby Fever

Some days I think I want another baby. I see all my kids being so independent and I miss having an infant. Plus, one of these times I'm going to get it right and finally birth the one that would be willing to wipe my ass when I physically can't do it anymore. I've asked them all and they've all been very adamant that they are unwilling to do this for me. Even my moddler overheard a conversation I was having with my husband and exclaimed, "goss. I no ipe ass!!" She is so good with her little cousins that it makes my ovaries hurt sometimes. It makes me feel like a crackhead, craving that fresh out the love tunnel baby smell. Then there are days like today where I literally watched her rip the voice box out of her baby doll's back and then put the whole doll underneath the couch cushion only to climb up to sit on top of it. I asked why she did this and she said, "ugggghhhhh.....baby no shut up." She waited a minute and then got up, pulled it out and said, "you a done now?" After she didn't get a response from her recently mute toy, she threw this poor doll from the living room into the kitchen as she screamed, "BE BETTA!!" 😳😳These are the moments that make my faloppian tubes basically tie themselves. My womb retracts so far that I can physically feel it in my throat. I don't know why she is the way she is. The only thing I know is that my lady bits have been feeling quite bipolar as of late dealing with these alternating flood and drought situations. 🌊🔥🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ 

Helmet

My oldest, Shitbrick, has been under the weather since last Thursday. Today, we FINALLY got her in to see the doctor and found out she has strep. I've been acting like Joe Goldberg all day, just following this poor child around and watching her every move so I can sanitize everything she breathes on and touches with lysol wipes. I finally just quarantined her to her room so I could attempt to wipe down every single surface in my house to try and abolish all of the germs, regardless of KNOWING it's an impossible feat. While at the doctors, my moddler started coughing and when the doctor came in, I was going to have them check her too. Unfortunately, as the doctor was walking in, this little shit was face down on the floor literally licking the tiles so it completely slipped my mind because well, I was embarrassed as fuck. Anyways, I decided to tell my husband that I thought she might be catching her sister's illness and asked him to grab some supplies at the store to help stop them from sharing germs. I obviously meant more sanitizing products, but I didn't specify. I SHOULD HAVE SPECIFIED. Can anyone explain to me why the fuck this man thought he did such a great job by spending 60 fucken dollars on a Buzz Lightyear helmet for his semen demon and then had the balls to try and justify his purchase by explaining how much time and energy he was saving me while saying, "at least she won't be breathing on everything." He is so damn proud of himself and all I want to do is close the lid on his balls. 😂😂 Hahahahahelp. I might end up committed from living with these people. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Being a mom is hard.

Mercury is in retrograde and it seriously has some people feeling some type of way today so I'm just going to put this friendly reminder out there for everyone. 

Being a SAHM is hard.

Being a working mom is hard.

Being a single mom is hard.

Being a mom with a spouse is hard.

Being a breastfeeding mom is hard.

Being a formula feeding mom is hard. 

Being a mom of one child is hard.

Being a mom of multiples is hard.

Being a mom living in an apartment or with friends/family is hard.

Being a mom with your own home is hard. 

Being a mom of children with health issues is hard. 

Being a mom of healthy children is hard. 

Being a mom that takes the time to primp herself is hard. 

Being a mom that wears pajama pants and their hair in a messy bun is hard.

Being a mom buying groceries on food stamps is hard.

Being a mom buying everything with cash/credit is hard.

Being a mom that needs assistance through child support/welfare is hard.

Being a mom that can do it without help is hard. 

Being a mom of infants is hard.

Being a mom of teenagers is hard.

Being a mom struggling with mental/physical health is hard.

Being a mom with a clean bill of health is hard. 

Being a broke mom is hard.

Being a wealthy mom is hard. 

Being a first time mom is hard.

Being a veteran mom is hard. 

Being a biological mom is hard.

Being an adoptive/foster/step mom is hard. 

Being a fertile mom is hard.

Being a mom struggling with infertility is hard. 

Being a dog mom is hard.

Being a cat mom is hard. 

BEING A MOM IS HARD. PERIOD!!

You know what's not hard? Accepting that everyone has a different struggle when it comes to motherhood. All of us are different, but NONE of us have it easy. We are all just doing the very best we can to raise our beautifully frustrating uterus droppings to be decent human beings. ❤❤

Commitment

I just watched my moddler pull out our dining room table like she's been lifting fucken weights since she's been in utero. It's wooden and extremely hefty. I struggle moving the damn thing myself and I'm grown. I then witnessed her pull a chair out from behind it because I store them there to avoid concussions and black eyes since she's fearless and climbs everything. She hulked out to pick it up and literally carried it over to the counter to set it down. She dropped it on her foot as she got there so she said, "owwwwww a hurt me." She then replied to herself with, "I so sorry" as she got down on the floor and kissed her own foot. She proceeded to thank herself and then get an attitude WITH HERSELF because she didn't say you're welcome in response. I just heard a full blown conversation between what I assume is her multiple crazy personalities. She got back up and climbed up on the chair to climb onto the counter. At this point, I get up and go stand behind her. I was going to make her get down, but she's shown such dedication that I'm curious as to what is worth so much trouble for her to go through all of this. She must know something I don't know. I creep while standing as close as possible in order to catch her if she decides to try sky diving. I stay quiet so I don't spook her into aborting her quest.. What the fuck is she looking for? Why is she so determined? Candy, folks. She was getting some old, nasty ass candy. I put their Halloween buckets in our junk cupboard. You read that right. HALLOWEEN!! They're still full of candy because I'm that mom, the one that let's them eat candy the day of the holiday and then puts the rest up for "later" only to completely forget that I put them up. The only time she could have spotted them was the other night while her brother was rifling through the cupboards looking for batteries for his controller. This child forgets where the fuck her cup went 5 minutes after I give it to her, but somehow remembered seeing buckets that she hasn't seen since October and remembered that they still had candy in them. She then devised a diabolical plan to get said candy. I don't know what I'm going to do with this one, but for now, wine seems like a great coping mechanism. 🤦🏼‍♀️🍷

Dad did it. 🤫

I just busted ass so loud that my moddler sat straight up from her slumber and now she's pissed at my husband. I seriously can not stop laughing. I've been with my husband for 4 years but I still won't pass gas in front of him. It's not for the reasons you think. This man has seen me butt ass naked in the middle of my kitchen floor shaving my toes and ugly crying while eating salsa out of the jar at 39 weeks pregnant so I'm not worried that he'll find me unattractive if I do assidentally drop a booty bomb. To be outright, for the sake of full discosure, I like butt stuff and thanks to my anxiety, I can't let him be near me when it inevitably happens because I'm worried that if he smells what comes out, he won't go in. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Anyways, they both were asleep and I hadn't moved her to her own bed before releasing my anal acoustics. She arose like she was the fucken Undertaker and as she was sitting up, she slowly turned her head towards her father. She immediately yelled, "DAD!! IS A POOP?!?" He didn't answer her because he was obviously still asleep so she says, "HELLO?!? GET OUT A BED!!" She then proceeds to SMACK HIS ASS!! I stopped her and told her, "we don't hit people. Accidents happen." The rage in her eyes made me back out of my intended confession. I. Am. A. Coward. She then looked at me in disbelief and said, "He bad dad. He shit in a bed, mom!!" I said it was okay and told her to calm down. She then sighed as she was rolling her eyes at me, climbed out of our bed, grabbed her blanket, and went to lay in her own bed while mumbling, "no shit in a my bed." She is still mumbling random insults directed at her father saying he's "isusting" and commenting on how "ewwww" and "gross" the entire situation is. This poor innocent bystander just got thrown under the bus and I'm not even sorry. At least I don't have to carry her to her bed now. 😂💨

Shredded Chicken

I really need some advice. My SIL sent me a recipe two years ago for pulled bbq chicken. It's a great alternative for me since I'm not really a fan of pork. My husband came home from work today and I asked him to shred the chicken since I had to run to the store real quick. I handed him the forks to use and I hurried to the bedroom as I scrambled to find a pair of clean pants that would fit over my fat ass since I haven't left my house to go out in public to be surrounded by people in a very, very long time. It is cold out so I'm still in hibernation mode. I finally just threw on pajama pants because I was just over it and didn't care anymore. So, I come out of the bedroom and this man is sitting on the couch, all nice and relaxed. I looked and the forks were sitting on the counter, CLEAN. I started to get pissed. I went over and pointed at the crockpot and said, "I asked you to do this!!" He just stared at me with that "I did" look so I opened the lid and all six pounds of chicken are perfectly shredded. PERFECTLY!! It was beautiful. It took him like 3 seconds. I asked how he did it and he said, "I used the mixer?" 😐😐😐 Two years. That is how long I've been making this recipe. This same man has watched me shred SO MUCH fucken chicken. He's watched me use forks to pull apart piece by piece, pound by pound. He's heard me bitch that my hands were cramping and watched me take a wine break while doing this tedious task. I have done it the same fucken way every single time and I've made this exact same recipe AT LEAST three times a month for the past two years!!!!!!!!

My question for you ladies is, should I use roses or tulips for the funeral? I want it to be classy with undertones of DON'T HIDE SHORTCUTS FROM YOUR WIFE!!

Also, if nobody ever told you, a mixer can shred chicken. You're welcome. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Breadsticks

Do you ever feel like you're going crazy? Like one of your senses is making you think you should be committed because you're hearing, seeing, or smelling something that you shouldn't be? Tonight, that was me. I heard chewing. That sound instantly drives me nuts, but I KNEW i heard it. Everyone was asleep. I had moved my moddler to her own bed and I was almost asleep when the sound hit my ears like a fucken blow horn. I reached for my phone, turned on the flashlight and looked around. My husband was asleep. The dog was asleep. Bean was asleep in her bed on the other side of my bedroom and I was convinced I was hearing shit. I turned the flashlight off and got comfortable only to hear it again!! I checked everyone again and everyone was still asleep. This happened three more times until I got up and turned the light on because either I was having a nervous breakdown or someone/thing was chewing something somewhere, but I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I got all comfortable again and closed my eyes to give the illusion that I was asleep. This time, I heard ruffling so i opened my eyes just a little to see bright blue eyes searching to see if i was awake. I then watched this little shit pull something out of her pullup and start chewing on it. I jumped out of bed to run to her because 1. That's nasty and 2. She was supposed to be asleep. As I jumped out of bed, I pushed the blanket down and in my rush to stop her from eating whatever the fuck it was, I didnt realize the blankets were wrapped around my feet. I fell flat on my face. The damn floor came out of nowhere and beat the shit out of me. I finally got myself up and gathered to go over to her bed to see she's laying there with her eyes closed and mouth open. I KNOW she was just awake. I literally saw her looking at me and even if that was just me hallucinating in my sleep deprived state, there's no fucken way she slept through my fat ass smashing my face off the floor. The whole damn house shook like we were having an earthquake. I was seriously worried about the Leaning Tower of Pisa. After surving hundreds of years on its unstable foundation, my fat ass falling as hard as I did probably knocked the damn thing over. Anyways, I get to her and start investigating. I looked in her bed all around her and didn't find anything. I went to go back to bed and then i realized that during my UFC fight with the floor, I had somehow forgotten that I watched her pull something out of her pullup. I turn back around to see my little Cockblockistan native with a smirk on her face. She thinks she's won. I kneel down and pull out her pullup to find BREADSTICKS!! A shit ton of breadsticks. We had Pizza Hut for dinner and I ordered breadsticks with them, but when we went to eat them, we couldn't find them anywhere. I thought I had forgotten them when I picked up our order. She stole an entire order of fucken breadsticks and must have hid them until they cooled down enough to put them in her pullup!! Then, she pretended to be asleep so she could eat them all. Anyone want this spermling before I lose my fucken mind?! 😂🥖🥖

Small victory

I am grown with 4 children. I have accomplished so much in my life and have gone through so much. I have seen and overcome more obstacles than they have in the damn Olympic games. I've done all of this and yet, one thing still hinders me. There is ONE quest that I can't conquer without going to war first. For the life of me, I can NEVER make my bed without it turning into a huge fight. I've tried so many times, but my native of Cockblockistan has this sixth sense where she immediately knows exactly when I am pulling fresh bedding from the dryer. She runs to my bed and jumps on it in anticipation of our upcoming Strong Man tug of war competition. She'll pull. I'll pull. She ends up pointing at me and yelling "LET A GO, MOM!!" I can usually distract her by singing and dancing the popular Frozen song and she'll jump up and go find her Elsa doll which gives me about 2 minutes to finish the chore before she returns. One of these nights, she's going to catch on to my antics or decide she doesn't like Frozen anymore, but until then, cheers to small victories, mamas!! 🍾

Refreshing toilet water

My husband got McDonald's for dinner because I'm just over it today and decided I wasnt going to cook dinner. He stopped after work and grabbed food to bring home for everyone. He got himself a sweet tea because he drinks most of it and then let's our moddler have the flavored melted ice after he's finished. She took it, finished it, and decided she needed a refill, but she cant reach the sink so she tried to fill it up in the toilet. I obviously shut that shit down real quick. I took the cup and threw it away as I was trying to explain how absolutely fucken disgusting drinking toilet water is. She got PISSED!! She acted as though I had ruined her entire life and murdered her family. She screamed and cried, rolled around on the floor, and then ran to her room to slam her door. About 5 minutes later, she came out acting like a completely different person. It's like she had completely forgotten what had transpired just moments ago that caused her to act as though I was trying to perform a fucken exorcism on her. I thought everything was fine and she was over her quest to drive me crazy by doing something disgusting. I was naive. A few minutes passed and she claimed she had to pee so she went back to the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it until I realized she was taking an awfully long time. I went to check on her and as I rounded the corner, I saw the most disgusting sight I've ever seen in my life. She was sitting in her chair right next to the toilet with the straw from the McDonald's cup, drinking the water STRAIGHT FROM THE BOWL!! I immediately starting gagging as she took the straw out of her mouth, looked straight at me and said, "mmmmmm, ilicous!!" I. JUST. CAN'T!! Anyone want this ovary dropping? Warning: she has one hell of a potty mouth!! 🚽😳🤢

The blame game

My moddler just blamed me for "shit in a pans" because I asked her why she pooped in her pullup. I said, "Bean, why is there poop in there?" She said, "what? A pooo? Where?"as she looks around like we're playing where's fucken Waldo. I pointed to the humungous turd that looks like it was made by a grown ass man in her pullup and she says, "WHAT? HOW? YOU DO IT?!?!" Full disclosure: I did not nor have I ever shit in my child's pants. It's physically impossible, especially to do it in a way where she would be shocked that it had happened. I'm not a fucken magician. I, without a doubt, KNOW she is the one that shit her pants. I explained that to her, despite her being two and not actually being able to fully comprehend the science behind how I know it wasn't me. She then kicked off her pullup, slid it over to me with her foot, rolled her eyes, and said, "wow, mom!! You shit in a pans." She then told me eeeeewwwww and said "isusting" as she continued to make dirty looks at me. Not only did she call me her version of disgusting, but she seems genuinely upset that I did it, so much so that I'm starting to question it myself. Did I do it? No. I couldn't have. As she has me battling this internal debate with myself, despite me KNOWING that I DID NOT shit in her pants, she escaped and I'm left to clean this shit up. You may have won this battle, you little shit, but you will NOT win this potty training war!! 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Shit streaks

I woke up to shit on my floor today. Having a potty-training moddler and two dogs has helped to condition me to expect a random turd on the floor every once in a while. It's not as shocking anymore when it happens, but when I say I woke up to shit, I dont mean just a little block of assage passage, I mean my floor was COVERED. I have a theory of how it happened based on the direction of the smudges. I'm like 93% sure someone or something left their anus cake in the far corner of my kitchen and my moddler, in an attempt to clean it, put paper towels over it and scooted her happy, helpful ass all to way to the garbage can, which is in the opposite corner of my kitchen. This is exactly what I do with any sort of spillage of LIQUIDS on my floor because I don't have the time or energy to get down on all fours to clean up yet another mess. So, as I'm cleaning the shit off of my good mop that I had to use to scrub the disgusting rectum trail that I was so graciously surprised with, my moddler decided she was going to get into the fridge. When I asked what she was making, she told me, "a drink for you" and then tried to hand it to me to "help you no be mean". 🙄 I love her imagination, but right now I'm just questioning whether she's playing bartender or big pharma with this stunt. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm dehydrated, need medicated, or if she's trying to poison me, but either way, I wasn't being "mean" just because I couldn't play with her as I was trying to clean the mess that was generated while she was trying to help. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Like father, like daughter.

Does anyone else have a hump dumpling that acts exactly like your partner? EXACTLY?! So much so that you constantly forget which one you're fighting with that day? This man will go to work 10-12 hours a day, which I'm more grateful for than I could ever fully express, while I'm home trying to wrangle his mini-me as she's making me out to be a monster because I saved her life for the millionth time today or I, god forbid, told her "NO". I'll deal with tantrums because I won't let her get "poker" out of the knife block, I won't let her "weeeeee" her truck into the coffee table so she can clothesline herself, I refused to let her "good to good to go" out the door butt ass naked in the middle of a damn blizzard, I don't let her "wasss a hair" in the toilet, she can't have "kips" for breakfast because chips aren't an actual fucken meal. I will fight with his clone all damn day and when this poor man walks in the door, I have a tendency to be pissed at him because of what she does. 🤦🏼‍♀️ He'll ask me what's wrong and I'll just look at him like, "bro........we've been fighting all damn day. The fuck?" He usually responds by reminding me that we've barely spoken all day due to him working and all I can do is point to this little shit because they are seriously the same damn person!! They are both the most stubborn, moody, and aggravating people I've ever met while simultaneously being extremely charming, goofy, and amazing. I honestly had no idea that I'd work so hard for 9 months to build this little moddler, playing Houdini by abracadabra-ing eyeballs out of thin fucken air to make those gorgeous eyes she has, for her to BE EXACTLY LIKE HER FATHER!! That one little swimmer contained a shit load of DNA. 😂

Shitbrick

I know I post pretty consistently about my moddler, but I just wanted to introduce y'all to my very first defective fuck trophy. My lovely pre-teen, Shitbrick. When she was 3, she was zoned into an episode of Dora when I called for her. I used her first name, her first and middle names, and her full name but got no response. I called out cute nicknames like baby, babygirl, lovebug, etc. and she completely ignored me. I called weirdo, goofball, loser, and finally, since I had just watched American Pie, I yelled out Shitbrick and to my surprise, she responded. The nickname stuck so that is what I've called her for the past 9 years. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Anyways, Shitbrick has some sort of growth disorder that the doctors can't seem to figure out causing her to be almost 5'8" at 12 years old. Because of this, she has insanely long legs. Today I was trying to get my moddler to pick up her toys and I looked up to see this one snacking, because she CONSTANTLY eats despite having the body type of Skeletor, and watching tv like this. This is the shit that makes me question if theres something wrong with my uterus because growing this many oddly defective uterus candies has to be more than just bad luck. Is it me? Am I the broken one? Y'all can be honest, because at this point, I'm genuinely concerned about my procreating abilities. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Arts and Crafts

This weekend was amazing. My husband was home and extremely helpful with the kids. The older kids were helpful as well, especially with keeping their baby sister occupied so I could do important things, like clean my house and wipe my ass. I got spoiled. I took it for granted and honestly, got a little too comfortable with how well the cog wheels of this household were turning. Everything was going so smooth.....until today. The kids went back to school. The husband went back to work. Everyone went back to their outside of the home duties and I was left with a false sense of security with my nemesis, the moddler. I went and took an shit, the one that naturally has to happen after two cups of coffee. For some reason, my mom brain had me thinking that this child was out in the living room, sitting on the couch eating the chips that she keeps stealing from the pantry despite being told repeatedly that she doesn't need a damn "sack". I assumed she was just quietly enjoying Toy Story for the fourth fucken time today and being content. I was wrong. I was definitely wrong. Instead, she got the pliers that I forgot to put back into the tool box after attempting to fix my nose ring and decided it was a good idea to play arts and crafts with some books. She tore some pages out of a couple of her own books and shredded her sister's library book from school. SHREDDED!! When I asked what the fuck she was doing, she responded with, "what? I make a pitty." She was making a pretty.........a pretty big fucken mess. I love this child more than anything, but she's a damn predator, waiting until someone is unsuspecting and vulnerable to attack. God help me and these books. I'm going to need a hell of a lot more than scotch tape to fix this confetti shit. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Toddler Bed

I slept in a toddler bed past night. All curled up and uncomfortable as fuck. Little bit of backstory to this because I didn't CHOOSE to put my body through so much turmoil and I sure as fuck didnt intend to wake up feeling like I auditioned for the XFL with all of my damn joints screaming at me. My moddler apparently turned the knob on the heater in the bedroom so I woke up at about 5am feeling like I was stranded in the Sahara. I frantically grabbed for my bottle of water to try and hydrate since my mouth felt like a pan of boiling water, you know,  that one you forgot about until you realized all of the water had evaporated and you completely burnt it. That's how my fucken mouth felt. Anyways, I chugged my entire bottle of water and then got up to turn the damn heater down. I got back in bed and my 40lb, 3ft tall moddler decided she was hot. THAT'S WHEN SHE REALIZED SHE WAS HOT!! She started throwing her limbs around, beating the fuck out of me, which in hindsight might be part if the reason I feel so sore. She then continued to shove me out of bed, not once, not even twice, but three times. THREE FUCKEN TIMES. Then, I realized there's an extra bed in my room. We moved her toddler bed into my room because it's easier to transition her across the room than it is to move her to a completely different room with a floor covered with toys. I've always wondered why she seems to wake up and know she wasnt in our bed without even opening her eyes. Now I know!! Toddler beds are uncomfortable as fuck!! If you have one for your little, THROW IT THE FUCK AWAY!! I'm not talking about nice ones. Im talking about the 30 dollar, transfer the crib mattress ones. I swear to god, it was the most uncomfortable place I've ever slept and I've slept in a 2001 Pontiac Grand Am. This shit is serious. I'm so sore. Send help or enough wine to help my limbs loosen up. 🤦🏼‍♀️😩

Pisspot

This child has an insane amount of chairs. She got a table and chair set over the summer. She just got a kid's recliner for Christmas. She has a fold out camping chair and MULTIPLE lawn chairs. She has a Dora desk that we got from her cousins that has a seat and a tray for her to play and/or color on. We have spent an insane amount of money for her to have so many options on where to plop her ass. SOOOOO MUCH MONEY!! So, can someone explain to me why she insists on sitting in the weirdest shit? She likes to sit in boxes, tupperware, mop buckets, on beach balls, balloons, basically anything that ISN'T a fucken chair!! Today, she decided to sit in our good pot, the biggest one we have that we use for basically everything because with a family of 6, we eat more fucken food than the entire United States Army. I was about to yell and make her get out of it when I decided to take a picture to send to my husband. I got the first picture as she was about to get out because she KNEW she wasnt supposed to be in there. When I didnt yell and she realized I was taking a picture, she sat back down. The second picture is when she realized she was pissing. I was still taking pictures so I could get a good one to send him when I heard, "oh, shiiiiiiiit!!" That was the moment I realized that I fucked up. I should have just gotten her out, but nooooooo, I decided it was time for a fucken photo op. Now there's piss in my good pot. It brings a whole new meaning to pisspot. At least it wasn't shit. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Her first "dad joke".

Me: god damn! I'm tired.

Moddler: hi tired.

The dad jokes are strong in this one. God help me. 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

My supportive spouse. ❤

I just feel like I need to brag for a moment. It's been a very long couple of weeks and my husband has been super supportive. Today I explained how I feel to him the only I knew how to in order for him to fully understand. I explained that being a SAHM is like working with an employer that only views you by the work you've done. If you work for someone that only sees you as an employee instead of an individual, you'll lose pride in the job. You'll lose your sense of self because at the end of the day, you only feel like an employee. That makes you just want to go home, but being a SAHM, your "job" is at home. You dont get to just check out and go home to relax and recuperate. Sometimes it feels like an endless loop of being unappreciated and overworked with no end in sight. This man took the day off work tomorrow, got us a hotel room, got someone to watch the kids, bought wine, dinner, and puzzles(because I love to do puzzles) and has been spending the entire night doing everything possible to make me feel like a real person, instead of just an "employee". I am just in awe of how amazing this is and I cant even express how much I truly needed this. ❤

Muh Balls

I absolutely love that they have such a great bond, but let me just tell you this little shit had her hand down her pants today and when I said, "what are you doin with your hand in your pants?" She straight up looked me in the face and said "muh balls itch." 

😳🤦🏼‍♀️

I might need a plumber.

It's currently 2 in the morning and I just woke up to piss. I was at that awkward stage where you're too tired to get up, but realize that if you don't go pee now, you will most likely be back up in an hour or so because after 4 babies, your bladder is about as stable as a crackhead. So, I got up and made my way to the bathroom only to see that the toilet was full. My kids have this innate habit of forgetting that toilets flush so they leave massive amounts of shit in both of our toilets. I am somehow the only one that can locate the lever to flush the toilet despite practically drawing my kids a FUCKEN MAP to its "hidden" location. I was half awake and in my exhausted state, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to get the blockage down the fucken toilet. I was plunging more than I've ever plunged in my life. I was trying and trying to the point where I started to get the plunger sweats. Don't judge. You know it's a real thing!! I kept trying though until I started to get pissed and actually opened my eyes completely only to realize that it's not shit at all. IT. IS. A. HAND. TOWEL!! I just wanted to piss so I could go back to sleep and here I am, elbow deep in my toilet playing tug of war with this big, porcelain bastard to give me my fucken towel back. Thank god we have two bathrooms because this one might be fucked. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Interview don'ts.

Not baby related, but I thought I'd just share with y'all my day. I haven't worked in years, but have been bouncing the idea of rejoining the work force back and forth with my husband. I decided I'd put in some apps and see what happens. I got a call to come in today for an interview. I ended up being late because I got stuck behind a train and to be honest, I forgot where the fuck I was going. I am a SAHM so I dont socialize, like ever and was nervous as fuck. I don't know exactly why I am the way I am, but within the first 5 minutes, i decided to disclose that i was sweating profusely. Then, I was told "just be yourself", which is the WORST advice to give to someone like me. I continued by saying oh, fuck at one point, putting my hands in my armpits, because I was sweating and thought they'd notice, even though they probably wouldnt have if I didnt say anything, shook their hands with my sweaty hands, and then told them thank you for getting me out of my house for a minute while talking about my kids, including their bowel movements, EXTENSIVELY. Any other SAHMs forget how to be an actual person when they talk to people or is it just me?

The tampon incident.

My toddler is currently screaming on the floor because I wouldn't let her pull the string out of my "butt" AKA my tampon.......

How's your day going?

My Book Idea

I think I am going to write a book. It shall be titled “From Eating Ass to Wiping Ass While Becoming a Fat Ass”. It will be a tale of one apparently very fertile woman’s perilous journey through an entire day with a toddler that keeps removing her diaper to piss on the floor as the mother has flashbacks of a prior social life while attempting to stuff her face.

Anyone care to preorder?

Off Switch

Have you ever worked so hard to make something only to FINALLY get it complete and figure out you must have done something wrong because the damn thing never turns off? That is what it's like having a child. You work for MONTHS to somehow build this smaller version of yourself, but for some reason, the part of you that likes to sleep doesnt get transferred through genetics. Every night, bedtime comes rolling around and there is so much kicking, crying, screaming, pleading and then your child's reaction, of course. Everytime I've left the hospital, I've asked for an owners manual and every time they have laughed at me. After 2 and a half years, I've finally discovered it. I've FINALLY found this ones off switch. It's on her fucken earlobe!!!! 🤯 I knew there should have been instructions, but NOOOOOOO. I was left to figure it out all by my damn self. I think it's safe to say that I might just be figuring this one out. It only took a couple years, but we're getting there. 😂

Defective

Does anyone else sit there and stare at those beautiful little crotch goblins you've created and think to yourself, "these fuck trophies are defective......" 

Or is it just me?

Depression

A lot of people talk about the effects of depression, but not many people discuss how it affects your relationships. Last year, I was suffering from the worst depression I've ever had. Physically, I was present, but emotionally, I just wanted to end everything. Every new day felt like a burden instead of a gift. My marriage was falling apart, the weight of my moms illness was weighing heavily on me, my life felt pointless, and I felt absolutely alone. I felt it, but more importantly, my kids felt it. They knew that I wasnt happy. They knew that I was struggling and it showed in their behavior and on their faces. This past year has brought a lot of things, but most importantly, it has helped me to become the person and mother I knew I could be. I've grown so much. This years Christmas picture is proof of how my life has improved and shows just how my relationship with my children has flourished. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I truly believe that. I'm so grateful for every lesson that we've been presented with this past year that has helped us to grow closer as a family. When they say a happy mother makes for a happy home, this right here is what they're talking about. I hope all of you have a great day and remember that your happiness as an individual and a parent is just as important as your little ones happiness. ❤

Poor Susan

Gather round folks and take your seats. It’s story time. In order for you to get a better understanding of the situation, you must know that my child has been sick and I’m a hot mess in general. I realized we were almost out of milk, so I grabbed a “dress” and threw it on as I was walking out my door since I was just going to run to Sheetz. Half way there, I realized that it was extremely short, probably because it is in fact a SHIRT, so I pulled it down which essentially transformed this black shirt it into a form fitting little black dress. My options were to show my ass or accentuate my mama belly so I chose the belly. Also, I’m wearing my daughters choker because I had taken it from the baby and put it on and keep forgetting I’m wearing it. Recap: bleach blonde woman with choker, TIGHT, short black dress with boots at like 1am. I was already self conscious so I waited for most of the customers to clear out before walking my happy ass in there to get milk. I got in line to check out as there was one person ahead of me, also a woman dressed very conservatively. She paid the cashier and turned around to look me from head to toe before giving me a dirty look and then turned back around to grab her bag as she was heading over to await her food order.
Cashier:(whispering) I am so sorry. I can’t believe she did that.
Me:(practically yelling) I don’t understand why everyone has to be so judge mental. Not everyone can have a 9-5 bank job. Someone has to let your husband do anal, Susan.
(This stems from being mean tired FYI)
Dead silence and looks of horror followed.
Cashier: I didn’t realize you knew her.
Me: I don’t.
Cashier: But, her name is Susan.........
Me:...........*grabs my shit and leaves*

You see, kids? This is why you shouldn’t be a twat and judge people because they could probably be well, me.
To Susan’s husband: I’m sorry that you’ll probably have a lot of questions to answer, but in all fairness, you married a cunt so 🤷‍♀️

The stache....

If you see us out and about today, just know that we aren't pro-genicide. This little führer decided to color in her mustache with sharpie since she couldn't grow one. I can not get it off to save my life so now I'm shopping with this dictator. Hopefully she doesn't ask for juice. 🙄

Midnight Adventures.

I just got woke up to a loud bang to realize my child pulled a me on me. She climbed up in bed and cuddled really close. She ran her fingers through my hair and sang happy birthday(because that's one of her favorite songs). She put my ass to sleep so she could get up, go in the living room, and drive her powerwheels truck around while drinking syrup she stole from the fridge. The bang was from her running into shit because she doesn't steer. 🙄 Then, this little shit had the nerve to look me straight in the face and say, "you go back night night right now!!" I swear to god this child is going to be the end of me. 

Send help and wine.

Stranger Danger!

Creepy man approaches us as we're shopping:
Creep: Well, look at you lovely ladies!! *looks at my toddler* Aren't you a cute one. Are you a good girl? I bet you are. *leans in to touch her*
Toddler: *pulls away and gives dirty look* FUCK OFF!!
Creep: *looks at me*
Me: *looks at toddler*
Toddler: *looks at me*
Both of us: *look at creep*
Me: Well, you heard her.......

Do. Not. Try. To. Touch. My. Child. PERIOD!!
She still cant talk as well as should, but she WILL tell you off. 😂

SOS

I just karate chopped my child in the face on accident while trying to stop her from running and smashing into the stove since I have two pans of hot grease on there because I'm making dinner. I'm pretty sure she called me an asshole, but with her speech deficiency, a lot of words still get jumbled up. Anyways, now she's sitting on the couch whispering to her dog and glaring at me. It's very unsettling.

So, if you hear about an "accident" resulting in my unfortunate and untimely demise on the news later, tell them it was my toddler......and her dog. Send help.

Shitting with an entourage.

I bet you're wondering why I'm posting two bathroom pictures from the toilet that appear to be a before and after comparison of what having children is like. Well, calm your tits because I'm about to explain. Every day I come to the bathroom and it looks like the picture on the top. Every day I bitch and say, "this is not one of those performances that requires an audience!!" I'm just trying to enjoy a little of bit of peace and possibly take a shit without someone repeating sounds that they may or may not hear. Also, if you've ever been in this situation, you know how difficult it is to push out that coffee that you drank to keep up with these little shits, the coffee that went STRAIGHT through you, with a child in your face copying your expression, basically mock shitting and making it IMPOSSIBLE to finish the deed. As for the picture on the bottom, it's that glorious time you sit down and realize that not a single person followed you because they're occupied for the first time all god damn day so you decide to enjoy it and relax, maybe breathe for a second. You get all situated and feel your body relax only to realize, like you do every single time that you're in the bathroom alone, THERE IS NO FUCKEN TOILET PAPER!!!! So, you scream and yell, but not one person residing in your house comes to your aid. There's no way that they are ALL busy. Literally any other time, you have to remove someones face out of your ass just to sit down on the toilet. So, you end up doing the two step, pants around your ankles shuffle to go get your ass a roll of toilet paper because the ONLY time you get to go to the bathroom alone is the ONLY time that the toilet paper roll is empty as fuck. It never fails. 

EVERY SINGLE FUCKEN TIME!! 

I just want to be able to shit AND wipe my ass in one sitting without having an entourage. Is that too much to ask?!?

Where's the dog?

I literally left my house to take the dog to the vet today and forgot my fucken dog if y'all are wondering how my day is going.

The case of the mysterious shit!

There I was, watching tv, minding my own damn business and it hit me. My moddler has been quiet for farrrrr too long. I was on the verge of just enjoying it and letting her go, but thanks to my anxiety telling me some crazy story about her being sucked up by a tornado or some other terrible tragedy I've seen in movies, I decided to get up and make sure she was at least still with us. I got up and walked my happy ass to the playroom to find her BUTT ASS NAKED. Then, this little shit, looked me directly in my eyes and says, "I sooooooo sorry." I'm fucken terrified!! Then, it hit me like Mike Tyson was all up in my nose, fist fucking my nostrils. SHIT!! I smelled shit. Not a little bit of shit, but enough shit to fill an entire fucken room!! I asked, like a logical person expecting a perfectly reasonable explanation, "what did you?" She says, "I nakeeeey!!" So I ask, "and after you got naked?" She puts her head down, shakes it, and says, "make sinky?" What in the literal shit would possess this child to make a "sinky" aka stinky aka take a good damn shit somewhere in her toy room? My kid is well, a mess and her toy room reflects that 100 percent. So, we now have the case of the missing turd on our hands and I sure as shit am no Sherlock Holmes. There is no way I'm spending all night searching for the missing shit. I. JUST. CAN'T. So, we've quarantined the toy room. I've got it lookin like the damn house from E.T. until which time I am well rested and mentally prepared to play CSI, lookin for shit fragments on all of these damn toys. HahahaHELP. 🤦🏼‍♀️💩

Why I Drink.....

Hello everyone and welcome to today's episode of "Why I drink" brought to you by the lovely Amelia, my moddler(monster toddler). I know what you must be thinking. "How does this child get into so much so quickly? What are you doing while she's being an asshole?" The answers are simple, my friends. We are pretty sure she's a direct descendant of Houdini and to answer your question about me, she usually makes a small mess and as I'm cleaning that up, she makes a slightly bigger one and on and on. It's the domino effect. I truly believe she was put on this Earth to test how much I can handle before losing my mind. 🤷🏼‍♀️🍷

What's in the can?!

Welcome to today's episode of "What's in the can?" I have all of our canned goods separated by food type, like any sensible person. We also have different shelves for different things. This little shit had this brilliant idea to combine them ALL and remove some of the labels because she is an asshole who likes to see me lose my mind in the fucken pantry!! I didnt even realize it until I went to make dinner tonight. I can't find the wrappers anywhere and we have so much shit in our pantry that I can't even tell what is missing. 🤦🏼‍♀️So, don't invite us to a potluck unless you want spaghettios or peaches in your fucken casserole. We're ordering pizza. Fuck it. 😩

Fuck it

I know I'm not the only one that has had "fuck it" days. You know, those days where you just decide to let them go because you'd rather just clean up toys once rather than picking up the same damn toys repeatedly? For those of you wondering, yes, I do make her help and she picks up her own toys, but she's got little arms, little legs, and carries them one at a time back to her toy room. I am impatient because I have shit to do so most of the time so she'll get like 3 toys picked up while I bitch under my breath getting the rest of them just for them ALL to be back out in full force later on. I had one of those days yesterday. I was over it. Then, last night, I decided "fuck it" again and decided I'd just clean in the morning because well, I just didnt want to. I fed these little ankle biting uterus candies some spaghettios and sat on my ass while they played and caused mass destruction. We went to get ready for bed and my moddler was so distraught that the house was a mess. So, she grabbed her little vacuum and started going to town saying terrible(yet hilarious) shit about the state of the house under her breath. Some of them including, but not limited to, "bullshit", "soooooo much mess", "not my job", and yelling for her siblings who were already in bed to come "get shit". I have never in my life been more convinced that she is a miniature me. 😂

Elsa Shit

Someone please tell me why the fuck this child literally came and got me out of the bathroom as I was getting dressed and pulled me to the living room to tell me, "Elsa shit!! Bad girl, Elsa!!"

Why is my life like this?! 

😳🤦🏼‍♀️

Nerf Gun

My husband bought himself a nerf gun with his Christmas money so he could retaliate when the kids attacked him. It was a shotgun style nerf gun and isn't as powerful as the kids fully automatic beasts, but it gets the job done. Today while I was unloading the dishwasher, my moddler brought me this gun and a nerf dart to "fix it" which is her way of asking me to load it. So, I load it and immediately stiffen up, because if you have a child that plays with nerf guns, you know exactly what is about to happen next. Based on her height, I KNOW I'm about to get a nerf dart straight to the asshole. She's giggling and let's the suspense build as I'm standing there, stiff as a fucken board, asking myself, "why the fuck do you continue to load it EVERY GOD DAMN TIME when you know she's just going to shoot you with it?!" Finally, I heard the click of the trigger, but nothing happened. I was so damn confused so I turned to look at her and just as I realized she was LOOKING STRAIGHT DOWN THE BARREL, the fucken thing went off and she shot herself square in the face. I dont know why the gun fucked up, maybe it was just devine intervention giving this little shit a taste of her own medicine, but I could not stop laughing. "Well, that taught her" I said to myself. Not even 5 minutes later, she brought me the same fucken dart that physically assaulted her face and asked me to fucken "fix it." You think it would be okay to use her college tuition for wine? I'm starting to think I'll need the funds more than her. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️🍷

Milk Wagon

So, we're transitioning from cosleeping to a toddler bed which is basically just me letting her fall asleep in my bed and then moving her to her bed so I can fall asleep without getting my ass kicked from a toddler that apparently dreams of kung fu fighting only to end up waking in the morning with an ass in my face anyways, because she transitions her little ass right back in bed with us while I'm asleep. It's a fun game we play. Tonight started off like any other night. I got her to sleep, moved her to bed, and passed out. As I was dreaming of a time much simpler than this, a time when I could put food on my plate and eat it all by myself and could shit without an audience, I was rudely awakened by shoes being shoved in my face. This little girls screams in my face "good to good to go!!" Me, being half awake, asked where I was going and she responded with "a store". Now, I'm confused. "Why?", I ask. "Milk", she says. Now, I had just gotten milk at the store so I told her to go to bed because we have milk. "Nooooooooo more!! Cat drink it." What. The. Fuck. It's 2am. Where did the milk go? Why is my kid awake? Why is she wet? This is why!!

That, my friends is a wagon FULL of milk. AN ENTIRE GALLON!! Anybody want a moddler?