You're amazing.

In case nobody told you today, you're amazing.

You're an amazing homeschool teacher.

You're an amazing chicken nugget maker. 

You're an amazing cleaner upper. 

You're an amazing boo-boo kisser.

You're an amazing story teller.

You're an amazing tucker innerer.

You're an amazing cup filler.

You're an amazing game player.

You're an amazing snack opener.

You're an amazing mommy. 

You are nothing less than amazing. ❤

Making her bed

I never realized how extensive my moddler's vocabulary is. I guess I didn't fully comprehend all of the words she's managed to pick up from my husband and I until I watched her try to put a sheet on her new bed for a half hour. It's the most I've seen her consistently focus on one task and if it weren't for the various curse words she was using out of frustration due to one corner uncovering everytime she tried to get another one covered, I would have been extremely impressed. This is the first time in my life I've heard how a sailor would make a bed and to be completely honest, it's terrifying. 🤦🏼‍♀️😬

HR?

One of my students have started following me into the bathroom. Does anyone know the number to HR? Can I expel her?

German

The oldest child I care for, aka my husband, has decided to learn German during this quarantine. It all started because I mentioned teaching his spawn a secondary language to help open up some career opportunities when she's grown in case she doesn't grow out of showing her chocolate starfish to everyone. Let's be honest, at this point, college isn't exactly an intelligent investment. Hopefully that will change, but for now, we're just trying to adjust to challenges as they appear. Anyways, the love of my life decided to start this now while we're in the midst of the chaos ensued by homeschooling and the terrible case of cabin fever we're all experiencing. Let me just say that if this man doesn't book us a trip to Germany as soon as this quarantine lifts to make use of the new language he decided to learn while we're all losing our minds, I'm going to be a widow. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

She Does Everything. 🙄

There I was, discussing Canadian politics with my 6th grader for her Social Studies assignment while shampooing the carpet because my moddler decided to coat it with a banana she smushed and give it an overcoat of milk that she somehow managed to dump into a squirt gun from her sippy cup when I realized I needed to make lunch. While I was throwing together sandwiches, I decided to turn on Shrek in an attempt to distract my semen demon from demolishing my house while I finish everything I'm trying to accomplish. The dogs start barking so I asked my 7yo to stop the video she was watching on her laptop to go check the mail because I'm expecting a package of clothes I had ordered FOR HER. She sighs, rolls her eyes, looks directly in my face, and says, "ugh. I do everything around here." 😳 Just a recap in case you weren't paying attention: I am simultaneously teaching, cooking, shampooing, searching for Shrek(the Christmas one because that's the current favorite), and trying to get the dogs to stop barking at the mailman, but she has to do EVERYTHING by pushing pause and walking 10ft to the door? Thank god the fire department is still considered essential because I'm about to drop kick this one right to their front door. 🤦🏼‍♀️

For Worse

Over this lovely weekend, I watched my husband, the man I CHOSE to spend the rest of my life with, try to turn on a tv while holding the power cord. We mounted it in our moddler's bedroom in anticipation of her new bunk bed arriving. As he was standing there trying to program the remote, he was getting frustrated that it would not turn on. He was standing there with the remote in one hand and the power cord in the other. This quarantine is wearing on us all. Is that what the "for worse" part of my vows covered? He's supposed to be the mentally stable one. God help us all.

"Do you hear that?"

My condom complaints have this annoying habit of trying to tell me a story at the most inconvenient time. It's usually while I'm in the middle of doing something vital to their survival amongst the chaos such as preparing dinner or getting three different lesson plans pulled up on three different devices. My ears are open 24/7 for them to explain every detail of anything they want to talk about, but every once in a while, I need the noise to stop so i don't have a nervous breakdown from not being able to process everything that is happening. Because of this, I've started doing this thing where I hush everyone, make a genuinely concerned face, and ask, "what is that? Do you hear it?" This activates their curiosity and they all get extremely quiet to sneak through the house, looking for what is making the phantom noise. I get to finish what I'm doing and they get to help try and identify a noise that doesnt exist. It's a win-win......for now. Hopefully they'll understand why I do this when they have children of their own and don't just worry that auditory hallucinations are hereditary. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Urinal Confessional

Tonight while brushing my teeth, my 7yo burst in the bathroom to use the toilet. Apparently scrubbing my mouth triggers the colons of my uterus candy and they feel the need to shit IMMEDIATELY. She comes in, sits down, and says, "remember when I went to the dentist and you told them I brush teeth everyday?" I nodded my head yes and she said, "I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth." I asked, "What? Why?" She responded by telling me that I told her as long as her room was picked up, she didn't need to make her bed because she was just going to sleep in it again so she figured she didn't need to brush her teeth because she was just going to dirty them again when she ate. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I send them up every night and say, "brush your teeth." Apparently she's just been skipping it for god only knows how long and decided to use the bathroom right now as a truth booth to disclose that information. I guess I need to go back to supervising their before bed routines. #momfail

My dress

I bought myself something for the first time in a very long time. It was a cute, girly dress which is the complete opposite of what I would normally wear. Today, I decided to go get some groceries since my husband was off and could keep my belly fruit home with him. I was excited to leave the house without having someone attached to my leg and even more excited to get our groceries without hearing, "mom, can I have....." This was the perfect time to wear the new addition to my wardrobe!! I squeezed into my spanks, fixed my hair, put on my makeup, and finally threw on my adorable new dress. I got done grocery shopping in record time. Half because I didn't have to chase my minions through the store and the other half because most of the things on my list weren't in stock. I called to order takeout to pick up on the way home since I was out anyways. When I walked in, I was greeted and told that it would be a bit of a wait. My fat ass stood there and waited for the longest time before the woman came back out and told me I could wait in my car for them to bring it out. She said, "I didn't realize you were pregnant. You don't need to stand in here and wait." 😐 As I was leaving, completely speechless, she said, "you're glowing by the way." First of all, that's not a pregnancy glow. That's from the cheetos I was stuffing in my face on the way to pick up my order. Second, I'm not pregnant, not at all. This wonderful new dress that I was so excited to wear accentuates my post-baby pouch. I'm never buying anything for myself again.

Spring Cleaning

We're spring cleaning. Anyone with kids knows that means you get to sit around and argue with your coochie creations about why they absolutely can not live without anything you're trying to throw away. It doesn't matter if it's the very last piece of a random toy they played with one time, they NEED IT. It doesn't matter if it's a part of a squirt gun that broke back in 2012, they have to keep it. It doesn't matter if it's the same damn piece of paper that you gave in and let them keep last year because it's from kindergarten and that one mark on that crumbled up piece of paper holds some sort of sentimental value for them despite said piece of paper laying in the exact same spot in the corner of their room for the past year, they absolutely can not part with it or they won't be able to survive the rest of their adolescent lives. Anyways, I'm standing in my sons room and inform him that I ordered him a new bed so we needed to get his mattress and boxspring outside so we could have it hauled away. We lifted the queen sized boxspring up and the bottom fell out. IT WAS FILLED ALL THE WAY THROUGH WITH TRASH!! It wasn't just trash. He had everything from boiled eggs to dirty dishes shoved in there. When I say that I'm done with this child, I absofuckenlutely mean it today. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Holy poop

Today while pooping on the big potty:

Toddler: "Holy shit." 

Me: "We don't say that, remember? We say holy poop."

Toddler: "Holy poop. It a big shit."

We're making progress.........kinda. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I Failed Today

I failed today. 

We woke up late and ate whatever we wanted for breakfast. We sat in front of the tv to watch cartoons as we ate our leftover Easter candy as our most important meal of the day. 

I failed today. 

We didn't do a single lesson for school. We didn't even open our laptops or notebooks. They've been working extremely hard every single day this week and we're all mentally drained.

I failed today. 

My kids had spaghettios for lunch with a bag of chips as a side. They also had an insane amount of snacks because we didn't follow our normal eating schedule.

I failed today. 

I didn't do any housework at ALL. Instead, I sat down on the couch, drank some warm coffee, and played video games with my crotch goblins.

I failed today.

Dinner consisted of a random variety of fried appetizers with ice cream sandwiches for dessert. 

I failed today.

We stayed up wayyyyyyyy past our bedtimes to play and watch tv. The playroom is destroyed and I didn't make them clean up or even take a bath before kissing their foreheads to wish them the sweetest dreams. 

I failed today. I failed at being their teacher. I failed at being their chef. I failed at being their schedule keeper. I failed at being their maid. I failed in so many categories, but do you know what I didn't fail? 

Being their mom, friend, and their teammate in Mario Kart.

Tomorrow, we'll wake up, put our game faces on, and get back to business, but today, I was just their mess of a mom and that's all they needed me to be. ❤

"Ice tits"

I just went to change my daytime pajamas into my nighttime pajamas because I don't leave the house so I just rotate wearing baggy t-shirts. I took my top off and my moddler ran into the room screaming, "MOOOOOOOM!!" I said, "what?" Her response? "Ice tits!" 🤦🏼‍♀️ Someone please come get my husband before I feed him to a tiger. She's repeating sooooooo many of the phrases he says and I can't handle the both of them.

Great Hiding Spot

My humpling disappeared on me today. She wanted to play with her stickers, but I told her she needed to wait until her siblings were done with their school work. I grabbed them and put them on the shelf behind the tv. "That's the end of that," or so I thought. I went back to explaining to my son that there would be cords to connect you to a spaceship so you couldn't just fall out and float around space until you starve to death because one of his assignments was to explain why you would or wouldn't be an astronaut. Then, the silence engulfed the room. I went to go find my moddler, expecting to see her pouting in a corner somewhere. She wasn't in her room, the bathroom, her siblings rooms, or my room. I even opened the front door to check outside, fearing that she was showing the neighbors her dark star again. Finally, I summoned her the mom way. I grabbed myself a snack and sat on the couch to enjoy it in peace. All of a sudden, I hear, "hey, hey, hey, hey!! Nacks!!" I looked up to see the tv almost fall down so I ran over to stop it from rocking back and forth. She was behind the damn thing, trying to get her stickers so she could sneak off and play with them anyways since she's a strong, independent toddler who doesn't take no for an answer. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Pictures

"Can you please smile so I can take a picture?"

Vs

"Mom, cheeeeeeeese."

"I'm Toxic"

Son: "Should I go help that lady load her groceries?"

Me: "No, buddy. It's a very nice offer, but we need to stay away from people because kids, like you, are full of germs and you could get that older woman sick."

Son: *screaming* "I'm sorry I can't help you. My mom said I'm toxic." 

🤦🏼‍♀️

Middle School

My middle schooler said she misses school so I ate her lunch and tripped her in the hallway. Apparently she wasn't referring to those parts so our lesson today is on clarification and being more detail-oriented.

Where's the moddler?

I'm starting to get sick of playing "Where's the Moddler?" It's like Where's Waldo except, in this situation, Waldo is 3ft tall, devious, and still likes to leave mysterious shits all over my house like she's hosting her own personal Easter egg hunt with a different type of chocolate surprise. If at any point, I don't hear incoherent demands coming from my womb wrecker, I get to search my house trying to find her. The only difference is that even when I win, I lose. She's ALWAYS into something. Tonight, we got out of the bath and as I was explaining to her siblings how the flusher works on the toilet for the millionth time, she disappeared. I decided the first step to playing this game tonight was pouring myself a BIG glass of wine. As I approached the kitchen, I heard, "soooooo good....." I rounded the corner to see her shoveling leftover chocolate pie in her face while simultaneously pushing her freshly shampooed hair out of her eyes with her HANDS. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I asked why she is the way that she is and all she said was, "wat? I no BAD guy." Thanks for that heart melting line, Wreck it Ralph. It looks like we're having pie before bed.

May your coffee be strong

Happy Easter, y'all. May your coffee be stronger than your child's attitude and your patience be thicker than your ass. Hopefully the sugar high will wear off soon and you can call it an early night. If not, bottoms up. 🥂

I Hate Easter

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of parents with co-sleeping toddlers tonight. It's practically impossible to set up for Easter morning with an ankle biter attached to you. So, you think to yourself, "I'll just lay down until they fall asleep." HAH! Good luck staying awake wrapped up with that cuddly ball of heat. Even if you do manage to keep somewhat alert, you have to do a Marine sanctioned obstacle course to escape. You have to untangle your hair from theirs, slip out of their death grip, slide out of bed, army crawl to a safe distance and escape the room without making any noise to hurriedly throw together a basket, all within the allotted timeframe between when you get up and they somehow sense your absence. Then, you get to go back and attempt to actually go to sleep, despite your heart pounding out of your chest because the anxiety of trying to complete this task has you feeling like you just jumped out of an airplane. Good luck in the morning dealing with your kids that have ingested about 20 pounds of chocolate before 8am while you're clinging to your coffee cup for dear life because you KNOW it's the only thing standing between you and a straight jacket. Easter is so much fun.

Rain Boot

My muff monster is currently screaming at me from her room because I took away the rain boot that she was using as a cup. I personally don't think that the foot sweat she was injesting with the gatorade she poured in there was as delicious as she claimed it was, but apparently I ruined her life by not letting her drink her homemade foot fungus electrolyte mixture. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Boiled eggs

Me: I don't understand why these kids are so dumb sometimes. 

Also me: *boils an embarrassing amount of brown eggs before realizing I was boiling eggs for us to color.* 🤦🏼‍♀️

Household safety

My belly fruit had to watch a video on household safety today. She expressed how dumb it was because, "who would take a microwave to the bath with them anyways?" I had no idea what she was talking about so I rewatched it. It was a radio. I tried to explain that a radio was something that you'd plug in to listen to music before there were phones and tablets. She looked right at me with the most serious face and said, "like, for the dinosaurs?" 🤦🏼‍♀️

Update: I asked what kind of music dinosaurs would even listen to and she responded with, "well, probably rock....." 😂

School of chirping

The only thing we're learning today is the effectiveness of chirping.

Standoff

We had ourselves a good, old fashioned standoff last night. My moddler refused to go to bed. She kept getting up to run off, screaming, "yee-haw" for some unknown reason. Apparently cowgirls don't sleep. Who knew? Anyways, I made her lay back down and told her that I was going to turn the tv off if she got up again because I'm "that mom" that allows her kids to watch a movie to unwind after a long day. She grabbed the remote, but I wrestled it from her. She gave me the most devious grin and got back up, running towards the door, but stopped to turn and face me. There we were, standing on opposite sides of the room with neither of us willing to yield. I grabbed the remote and told her that I was done trying to negotiate with a tiny terrorist. She leaned in towards me, grinned from ear to ear, and whispered, "do it. Turn off." I could not believe the ovies on this child. I kept eye contact as I pushed the power button on the remote, but nothing happened. I turned towards the tv to figure out what the hell was going on when I heard her tiny giggles. I turned back towards her to see her holding out a battery with her dirty digits. It's so frustrating getting outsmarted by a child that can't even wipe their own ass.

"I hate it here"

My 7 year old just paused her lesson on her computer, slowly removed her headphones, walked to the bathroom, closed the door and screamed, "I HATE IT HERE!" Then, she casually opened the door, calmly walked back to her computer, adjusted herself in her seat, and put her headphones on to push play. I've never been more convinced that this twat token is mine.

Part 11

Quarantine confessions part 11:

Sometimes, in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep, I sneak out of the bedroom to go sit in the bathroom. I don't have to use the toilet. I just like to see how the other side lives.

Bangs

My middle love trophy decided she wanted her hair like mine and her sisters. We recently decided to dye our hair and try bangs. I expressed to my middle that she won't be able to change it once it's done if she doesn't like it and explained in detail that she would have to let it grow out to make her hair the same as it is. She told me she was fine with that and she really wanted to match us. I got her all set up in the bathroom, got the scissors, and told her to close her eyes because I thought she'd freak out if she saw me cutting her bangs. I got done and she opened her eyes to ask, "what color is it? Does it look okay?" 🤦🏼‍♀️ This poor child meant that she wanted her hair dyed, not cut. She's in for a rude awakening.

Neemols

My crotch droppings were all sitting around doing schoolwork when my only son randomly stood up all exasperated to announce, "I'M SWEATING!" I'm not quite sure why he felt like he needed to loudly announce that his armpits were crying, but I've learned that it's better not to ask those questions. He ran over to grab his deodorant in an attempt to stop the flow of fluids from his flesh. My moddler ran over and demanded he apply it to her as well. He put the lid back on and pretended to deodorize her tiny sweat pits because everyone in this house is completely toddler-whipped. You would think that she would be content after that, but she seemed even more angry. She started screaming "neemols" and my son was hysterical because he didn't understand why she was howling at him. You see, "neemols" is how she says nipples. Full disclosure: I put deodorant under my meat mountains. It appears as though she thinks that is how you apply antiperspirant and is now infuriated that her brother refused to accommodate all of her deodorant application needs. 😂 God help me with these kids.

Part 10

Quarantine confessions part 10:

I sat and drank an entire bottle of wine tonight while my spawns were counting sheep because I fucken deserve it. Sorry, kids, the teacher might have a "grown-up headache" in the morning.

The washer?

I just pulled a handful of toddler shit out of my washer in case anyone was having baby fever during this quarantine.

Video Call

My moddler had her speech therapy evaluation via video conference today. Have any of you ever had the displeasure of trying to do a video call with a curtain climber running around, wrecking havoc? If you haven't had to, I don't recommend trying it. EVER. I would rather be fed to Carole Baskin's tigers than to ever be put into another situation where there is a live video stream of the shenanigans that occur under this roof. It started out fine. We were both sitting at the table, interacting with the case manager and speech therapist. All of a sudden, my uterus candy decided she was over it. She got down and starting running amok. I continued with the evaluation and ignored her attempts to distract me. I'm going on and on about how intelligent she is when all of a sudden, I see her dash across the screen with her shirt over her head and run face first into my refrigerator. I jumped up to check on little miss Cornholio only to realize I wasn't wearing any pants. 🤦🏼‍♀️ All in all, I give the entire experience a 0/10.

Were you asleep?

I scared the shit out of my oldest last night. I got up to use the bathroom and heard a noise coming from her room. I sort of forgot she was home. To be fair, this whole ordeal feels a lot like summer to me. The kids are home all day, driving me crazy and she only comes down for sustenance to feul her sarcasm induced pre-teen angst before climbing back into her black hole of a bedroom. Plus, my oldest usually stays with my parents when there isn't school. It started so she could help my mom through her chemo complications and now they're just really close. Anyways, I heard movement and I panicked. I grabbed the Macbook, which in hindsight was not the smartest move. Maybe, subconsciously, I planned to size up the intruder and if they we're large, I'd just give it to them as an offering because I don't think I could use it as a weapon, not because of it's lack of durability but because of it's insanely high price tag. I slowly climbed the stairs so they wouldn't squeak. I didn't want to give away my advantage. I was holding this damn laptop as if it were a loaded shotgun as I turned the corner like I was playing COD. Then, my dumb ass kicked in her door. She jumped and yelled. I almost dropped my exorbitant imaginary fully automatic Macbook. She screamed, "I'm sleeping!" I froze and all I could say was, "holy fuck! There are 4 of you!"

Monopoly

We played Frozen 2 Monopoly tonight and my fair-haired fallopian fruit decided to get pissed off because nobody was willing to trade $500 for her $100 in case anyone was thinking about trying board games to pass the time.

Here we are

"Holy big poop, pooper trooper. Show me your butthole" is not something I ever thought would come out of my mouth as a grown, tax-paying adult, but here we are.

Part 10

Quarantine confessions part 10:

I told my kids that the fumes from the hair dye I used yesterday can linger in the air for 48 hours and it's toxic to anyone shorter than me so they will leave me alone. I just want to take a shit in peace.

Facebook memories

This was in my Facebook memories. This is the type of offspring I create. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Part 9

Quarantine confessions part 9:

My husband and son have a feud going on in the game Animal Crossing. They both get on there to steal each other's shit and then argue about it. It's currently 3am and I can't sleep so I made my own little person and set a tent up on the opposite side of their island for the sole purpose of stealing BOTH of their supplies to pit them against each other. 😈

Lettuce pray I romaine sane

Tonight I went in to lay down and found an entire bowl of lettuce in my bed. I was extremely confused. I grabbed it and went out to the kitchen so I could put it away while mentally reiterating the events that occured after dinner. Did I take the lettuce in the bedroom? Am I so tired that I tried to tuck in a bowl of cut up lettuce? Is there a recall on romaine again? Maybe I just had a bad salad and now I'm hallucinating. As I'm putting it away, my middle humpling comes strolling downstairs with no fucks to give about it being wayyyy past her bedtime. Since she was up already, I asked if she knew why the hell there was lettuce in my bed. She looked at me and said, "ummmmm, you told me to put the "acer" on your bed." I informed her that the Acer was a computer and not lettuce. She shrugged her shoulders, looked right at me and said, "I didn't know that. I thought you were just going dumb with your words again." 😳 For those of you that don't know, I have a stutter that gets significantly worse when my kids are driving me crazy and this insensitive asshole thought I was just trying to spit out the word lettuce.

Part 8

Quarantine confessions part 8:

I decided to cut my own bangs.

Assholeitis

It appears as though my muff monsters have contracted assholeitis. The symptoms include talking back, fighting amongst themselves, stomping their feet, whining, eye rolling, etc. I was really hoping quarantine would keep them safe, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. I'm not really sure how to treat this affliction so they've been isolating in their rooms until which time they are symptom free. Hopefully they'll start feeling better soon. Until then, we're accepting prayers and alcohol.

Better?

My lovely little twat terror decided to wake up and lose her shit tonight. The reasoning? Her cup was empty. I am not a psychic or a magician so I had no idea this travesty occurred nor could I use my magical abilities to automatically refill little miss queen bee's chalice. She was flailing her arms around like she just got hired to stand in front of a car dealership so I got out of bed to go fill it up and mumbled, "you're a pain in my ass." As I went out to replenish her vitamin D vessel, I reassured myself that I am a strong, independent woman that doesn't take orders from anyone. All of a sudden, I hear very fast footsteps coming right at me. For someone so small, she sounds like a stampede of elephants. I decided I wasn't going to engage and just kept preparing her cup. Next thing I know, I feel something wet right on my underbum. I swung my body around, thankful that I didn't instinctively swing. My moddler was standing there with those big baby blues looking at me like she was so proud of herself. I asked what she was doing and she said, "a better?" I was confused as hell so I asked her what was supposed to feel better. She said, "you ass a pain." Apparently she thought it was necessary to literally kiss my ass. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I can't even stay flustered for 5 minutes before this flip-switch makes me laugh.

Part 7

Quarantine confessions part 7:

I told my sperm sprouts that I had to go to the store today. I got completely dressed and went out to the car where I sat in complete silence for about 20 minutes before coming back in to tell them that the stores were closed. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Conference call

She had to have snacks and I had to "fill er up" with milk, but she sat still the entire time for her very first hour long conference call today.

Part 6

Quarantine confessions part 6:

My husband and I just got into an argument over what a trapezoid is. We had to google it and both of us were wrong.

Part 5

Quarantine confessions part 5:

I've made spaghetti for dinner at least 7 times the past three weeks.

Homeschooling

This is our first day homeschooling our two middle crotch goblins. It's only been a couple hours and I just want to go home. From this moment on, whenever my kids get a new teacher, I'm going to find out their favorite type of alcohol. I'll make sure those poor souls are stocked up through the entire school year. It's a holiday? Have some alcohol. My kid got a yellow on their color chart? Have a bottle. They had a test today? Have a gift basket of shot bottles. You survived the entire WEEK? Here's a fifth of whiskey.

MarioKart

I sent everyone to bed except my semen demon because we're finishing our game in Mario Kart 8. To be honest, I'm playing and she has an unplugged controller so she can "play" too. Anyways, I rounded a corner in the game and a blue shell came and knocked me off the track. My moddler screamed, threw the controller on the ground, got real close to the tv, pointed at the kart that passed me with her tiny little finger, and said, "fuk at guy!!" 🤦🏼‍♀️ She's got some serious gamer rage in such a tiny little body.

Gamer Rage

I sent everyone to bed except my semen demon because we're finishing our game in Mario Kart 8. To be honest, I'm playing and she has an unplugged controller so she can "play" too. Anyways, I rounded a corner in the game and a blue shell came and knocked me off the track. My moddler screamed, threw the controller on the ground, got real close to the tv, pointed at the kart that passed me with her tiny little finger, and said, "fuk at guy!!" 🤦🏼‍♀️ She's got some serious gamer rage in such a tiny little body.

How long has it been?

When you've lost track of how many days you've been stuck in your house with your womb wreckers. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Part 4

Quarantine confessions part 4:

I've become the Pope of online shopping.

Part 3

Quarantine confessions part 3:

My crotch goblins JUST went to bed because they were playing Mario Kart and I lost track of time. They were leaving me alone and having fun. I don't even feel bad about it.

Escape

Since we can't escape our twat tokens, this seems like the next best thing. Asylum seems fitting considering our situation. Wish us luck.

Rebellion

When your sibling is trying to start a rebellion over the taxation of snacks, but you're okay with the hierarchy because you're allowed to play on the nabi.

Part 2

Quarantine confessions part 2:

I really want to socially distance myself from my fallopian fruit, but apparently they rely on me for survival. 🤦🏼‍♀️😩

Part 1

Quarantine confessions part 1:

I don't remember the last time my kids showered.

Check the background

I took an adorable picture of my uterus droppings kicking my ass at yahtzee yesterday. I almost posted it, but I do that thing where I check the background first to make sure my house doesn't appear to be inhibited by a neglectful hoarder. During this game of I-spy how big of a mess I am, I happened to glimpse something alarming. Directly beside my 7yos head in said picture was my toddler standing right beside her potty chair. She was facing the opposite direction, crouched over, with her brown eye winking at the camera. I'm just over here trying to capture memories and I could have been arrested. The moral of this story is to always check the background before posting a picture, especially when you have a moddler. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Quit beating me

"I love you so much and I'm really trying to be nice to you, but if you keep kicking my ass at these games, I'm dropping you off at a fire station."

Ultimate Sock Matching

Day who the hell knows of quarantine:

We played ultimate sock matching championship. I matched the most socks in the allotted time and had an award ceremony so my kids could present me with my 1st place gold medal. 

I think we're starting to crack.

Momhub

Momhub

Hear me out.....

It's like Grubhub, but specifically for wine delivery. There will be a 1-10 number scale to disclose how crazy your womb wreckers have been throughout the day which will determine the level of care you recieve. Anything over 10 will allow the driver to fake an issue with your payment method to allow a 5 minute escape from your home to eat a snack and cry/scream in the delivery vehicle. Thoughts?

Google Eyes

You're just too bad to be true

I can't take my eyes off you.

You don't listen when I say not to touch

I wanna yell at you so much.

At long last google eyes have arrived

I don't know how I've kept you alive

You're just too bad to be true

Can't take my eyes off you.

Kitchen sink

We just found some chocolate ass cake in our kitchen sink. I bet you have some questions. Keep your eggs in your ovaries, Karen. I'll explain. My semen demon has been wearing the same underwear all day. We knew she was using her potty because her booty holster has remained dry but we assumed the tiny dictator was having her siblings do her dirty work and empty it. We were wrong. Little miss independent has been emptying her own potty.........in the kitchen sink. When confronted, she said, "haha.....I poop in dere." I'm pretty sure this is some sort of social experiment to see how much craziness we can withstand before we succumb to the insanity.

Remix

Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say

But nothing comes out when they move their lips

Just a bunch of gibberish

And these kids act like they forgot I'm the madre.......

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe she's born with it. 

Maybe its poop. 

..........or maybe it's just Anna suffocating in her booty crease. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Booty call

Isn't ironic how the product of your booty call now calls you to wipe their booty? 🤔

The universe sucks.

Me: "I'm exhausted. My husband and offspring are driving me crazy. I can't take much more of this quarantine shit."

Universe: "I know EXACTLY what you need."

Me: "Thank god!!"

Universe: "Here's your period."

🤬

Naked pooping

So, apparently my son shits completely naked. Is that normal or is my ovary candy defective? I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when the door gets kicked in. I see my son standing there doing some type of ass backwards dance like Cotton Eyed Joe is playing in his extremely awkward pre-teen mind. His eyes were about to bulge out of his head when he yelled, "I have to poop, NOW!!" Considering I have a mouth full of toothpaste at this point, the only think I could do was gesture towards the toilet in an attempt to tell him to go ahead. I was trying to hurry to get out of there before his shit whispers completely engulfed the room when I saw his reflection in the mirror. This child was wrestling with himself trying to get completely naked while his anal acoustics were echoing off the walls. I was laughing so hard that I started choking on my toothpaste. I finally got my mouth rinsed out as he was sitting down on the toilet, completely exasperated. I asked him why the hell he needed to get completely naked. He looked me in the face with the most serious look and between breaths he said, "I need to be able to breathe." 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

A compass?

Me: " Do you know where your sister's cup is?"

7yo: "What do I look like? A compass?" 

I swear to God, y'all. I'm about to lose it!

Wude an mean

My moddler was just getting pissed off because her naked Elsa doll wouldnt drive them around in her power wheels truck because she's a DOLL. Her brother thought this was the funniest shit he's ever seen in his life so he was literally rolling around laughing at her frustrations. She yelled, "ahhhhhhhh" as she got out of her truck, slammed her door shut, and ran over to her brother. She grabbed his face with both of her tiny little hands, got so close that their noses were touching and through gritted teeth she said, "no fukin funny, Camin." I've never seen him more terrified. My 2.5 year old daughter just put my 10 year old son in his place. I told her we don't say that and she just looked at me like she couldn't believe I had the audacity to correct her while she was so rattled. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and ran to her room screaming about how we're all "wude an mean!" This one is going to be the end of me. 

Matching game

Looking for something educational and beneficial for your kids to do during this lockdown? 

Have your coochie creations match that enormous pile of unmatched socks. Matching games help stimulate their little brains, they'll be too busy to destroy your house, and you won't have to do it. It's a triple win. 

You're welcome. 

Lost and found

I lost my moddler today. My twat tokens were running in and out of the house to get supplies to clean up the yard. They had to get snacks and take a shit every 15 seconds because apparently physical labor causes my offspring's digestive systems to work faster and harder than they ever have in their entire lives. My husband was off trying to find some insignificant part to some insignificant piece of random technology that he found and decided needed fixed at the exact same time that this chaos was occurring. The dogs have decided that they all hate the cat now so they were torn between barking at the kids coming back in and the cat running around showing her dirt star to everyone because she's either in heat or she's just witness my toddler do it so much, that she seems to think that is how we greet people around here. Either way, nobody is a fan. I was unsuccessfully attempting to play ring leader to this circus when all of a sudden, I realized that it's been about 5 minutes since I've opened a pack of gummies or saw an asshole without fur on it. I looked all through my house, but she was nowhere to be found. As soon as I opened the front door to yell for her siblings to come in and help me find her, I saw the reflection from the sun bouncing off her pale, Scottish skin. She had stripped completely down to her birthday suit, put on a pair of rain boots, and was dancing on the front porch. I've decided that we need to move because I will never be able to face the neighbors again. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Underwear

I'm wearing underwear for the first time in months. I just forgot to put them on one day while I was in a hurry and just haven't worn them since. My ovary candy is currently screaming and refusing to leave the house because, "you wear my pans!" I'm not wearing her damn pants nor have I ever even attempted to squeeze my fat ass into any of them. So, if you see us out of the house for any reason and you overhear my moddler screaming at me about "pans" just know that I'm just trying to run errands with underwear on. 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ 

Welcome

There's nothing more embarrassing than having company over only for them to see my moddler in her birthday suit with her head between her legs as she's giving them her vertical brown smile as they walk in the door. At the same time, it completely helps validate everything I've ever written about how unbelievably awkward my uterus dropping is and why we never leave the house. Thank god the only people that ever open the door to this shit show is family and those visits are few and far between. 

Carrots

When you're so used to junk food that you don't know what to do when you're given a healthy snack.........

"Mom, Dad LOOK!! Cortits ah funny"

CARROT!! They're carrots and you're supposed to eat them. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Trying to enjoy a movie

We're just sitting here trying to enjoy some family time with a movie and popcorn when our moddler decides to strip completely down for a skin party. She stands in front of the tv, bends over and yells, "look ah my butt!!" Apparently she thought we'd enjoy looking straight at her brownie bowl more than watching our movie. I guess that's what we get for deciding to watch something other than Frozen 2. 

Joker

I absolutely hate hearing, "I do nuttin, mom" without any prompting needed. I don't know about y'all, but I know when my fallopian fruit randomly decide to declare their innocence, there is some absurdity on the horizon. I immediately respond by demanding their physical presence. I have seen some crazy shit throughout my years, but I was not expecting the joker to come strolling out of the mud room, wearing nothing but this painted on smile. She has absolutely no fucks to give as she asked, "I pretty?" Yes, girl. You're pretty......a pretty big mess. 

Chaos

We've officially all completely lost our minds. Today started off like any other day.........with my womb wreckers fighting with each other. I opened my eyes and immediately had to summon my referee persona to break up whatever the hell they decided to argue about before it got physical. It was obviously escalating faster than I had time to sell tickets to the tiny tots tussle so the combat couldn't commence. During the chaos, I put a k-cup in and pushed the button because I realized it was going to be a long fucken day. In my sleep deprived state, I forgot a key element, THE CUP!! Coffee started spewing out of my Keurig. This is where we all forgot how to function. I reached for the power cord as my 7yo grabbed the coffee mug. My 10yo decided to immediately jump into action by trying to capture the steaming hot nectar with.....wait for it.......HIS HANDS!! He screamed. I screamed. He kept ahold of that black gold and I had to grab him and shove him to the sink to rinse it off. My 7yo panicked and threw the coffee mug so she could run and grab a towel. My moddler ran after the mug all giddy like she was playing a game of fucken fetch and brought it back, screaming for someone to throw it again. Anyways, how has your day been?

Icy Hot

Does anyone remember when I wrote about my belly fruit rubbing vaporub on her dirt donut? Apparently she was a fan of the cold sensation. Unfortunately, she got her hands on a tube of icy hot this time. I don't know if she smelled it and assumed it would give her the same sensation or she just likes to lather herself up. All I know is that I was standing there helping her sister with common core, which is the absolute WORST concept ever invented, when I hear screams coming from the bathroom. I ran in there to see that she had squeezed the tube into her cheek ditch. She seemed shocked that instead of the nice cool sensation that she expected, it burned. We're now recovering. I just don't understand what the appeal is of rubbing stuff on her and WHY it has to be in her fart box. To answer your questions Karen, my son left the bathroom door open and the icy hot was on top of the mirror which meant she climbed on the toilet to climb on the sink to be able to reach it. I didn't hand it to her or leave it in her toy box and despite my best efforts, she finds a way to get into the dumbest shit. 

Ghostbusters

Does anyone happen to know how to get ahold of Ghost Busters or even someone that performs exorcisms? My house has had a ghost or more accurately, an evil spirit since we moved in about 4 years ago. There have been mysterious turds left in the upstairs bathroom, snacks that disappear into thin air, walls that have crayon appear on them overnight, and my favorite, children crying because something inexplicably happened to them when "nobody" was around. When I confront my sperm sprouts about the cryptic patterns I've observed, everyone is oblivious. I'm no Mulder and Scully, but I sense some fuckery afoot. Regarless of my opinions though, I'd really like to rid my family of whatever fiber loving, artistic, fight club promoting supernatural being is in our home. Any suggestions?

Home schooling

Home schooling is going great. Today, in English, we learned about three new swear words and how to use them in context. In math we learned that one glass plus one bottle of wine equals a teacher who likes to dance which is coincidentally where we incorporated both physical education and music class. I'm pretty sure I'm killin it. 

Just another day

You know you're a SAHM when the government calls for "social distancing" and you don't have to make a single change to your routine.

Kick rocks

I told my kids to kick rocks and they thought it sounded like a fun game. They're outside now having a competition to see who can kick the most rocks more effectively. I needed my driveway leveled anyways. At least now I won't have to pay anyone to do it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

#momwin

They don't fit

I tried to wear some shorts I had in storage today. I got one leg in and then the other. I had gotten what I assumed was the hard part over with. Next, I got them up to my thighs. This is where I had to do some cardio. I twisted and jumped around for about 15 minutes trying to at least get my stink ring covered up. I'm committed to wearing these damn shorts at this point. Eventually, I got them up. I'm making progress. Now, the fucken button.... I realized I wasn't going to be able to fasten them in any conventional way so I went over to lay on the couch to try the ONE way I thought might work. I sucked everything in to the point where I could ALMOST button them. I was soooooooo close, but all that suctioning backfired and I ended up letting out the loudest bowel howel I've ever heard. Unbeknownst to me, my love trophies were all gathered around watching this unravel and as soon as that booty bomb went off, they lost it. Their shrieks scared the shit out of me and I ended up rolling right off the couch. 

Long story short, does anyone have any tips on relieving back pain?

Rob the bank

We're raising a very polite criminal. My husband was laying in the couch when the fruit of his loins ran up and jumped on him causing cash to fall out of his pocket. She grabbed a dollar and then tried to grab more before he got it put back. As she was running away, she screamed, "hank you, dad!!" She just robbed the bank and then thanked him for his cooperation on her way out as if he had a choice in the matter. At least the pint-sized hoodlum had manners. You win some, you lose some and by some, I mean dollar bills. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Who's the favorite?

Day 4 of quarantine:

My uterus candies just counted their chips to see who I liked more. Apparently their logic was that the one with the most chips is the favorite. 

Jokes on them though because I don't like any of them.

Just trying to call one of them.

Why does it feel like I have tourettes everytime I try to call one of my children? It's always like "Ash-elle-SHIT-ca-aaaaa-FUCKME-goddamnit-AMELIA!!" By the time I FINALLY get the damn name out that I'm looking for, I end up forgetting what I'm even yelling about. It always results in all of my children standing in front of me just as confused as I am. 🤦🏼‍♀️

No sports

Day 4 with no sports: 

My husband has now realized we have children.

Just a sip

Saturday: "We need to stock up on wine if I'm going to be home with these kids for two weeks."

*gets 6 bottles

"This will last me a little bit. I'll just take a sip everytime one of the kids does something stupid."

Monday: "FUCK. WE'RE OUT OF WINE!!"

Mickey

Apparently our asshole cat killed a mouse and brought it to my semen demon. I am not sure exactly when Mickey Mouse was murdered in our clubhouse or why his mousekadoertool set didn't protect him from our fiesty feline. All I know is that my moddler just tried to bring it's corpse to bed with her. She usually tries to sneak a toy so I started patting her down like a prison inmate before letting her climb in. I practically pissed myself because I was not prepared for what she was trying to smuggle. She is completely devastated that I refused to let her have a sleepover with this poor, lifeless rodent. I am officially the worst mom ever all because I just threw her new best friend in the trash. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I "gooder"

I got myself something today while attempting to get groceries. It was just a Hershey bar, but it was my personal reward for not losing my shit out in public. My little tinder trophy spotted it as I was trying to put groceries away. She brought it over and asked in the sweetest way, "I ave some? I good girl." So, I caved and broke off a little rectangle piece for her. She looked utterly disappointed at my sharing capabilities and exclaimed, "what a hell, mom?!?!" I told her I was a good girl too so I got it for me. I also said that after I put everything away, I was going to make dinner so she didn't need to fill up on chocolate. I went back to my tedious task and when I finished, I went to enjoy my snack. I turned around to grab my grocery trophy only to find the table empty with the exception of the ONE piece I broke off and gave away. She left me her piece and took the rest of the damn candy bar. When confronted about why she took my treat, she shrugged at me and said, "I gooder....." Apparently we have differing opinions on who behaved better. I'm pretty sure it was me, but I guess I don't have to make dinner now. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Shopping trip

I am in serious need of some help. Im about to go down a long and exhausting path. I haven't been this stressed out in quite a long time. I know what I'm about to go through has to be done for the sake of everyone. We all are going to benefit from it, but actually following through has my anxiety through the roof. It's going to be physically and emotionally draining. So, if y'all could simply pray for me to whomever you pray to, I'd greatly appreciate it. I could use all the help I can get........

Now, it's time to get off here and actually go into Walmart for my regular monthly grocery run. Wish me luck. 🙏🏼🤦🏼‍♀️

Poor couch

T-36 hours since quarantine and the dogs have eaten my couch. Send wine. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Please stop

"MOM, YA POOPIN? I cowor you"

Please just get up off the bathroom floor and get back in this stall with me. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Toddler-whipped

I'm over here minding my own damn business when I felt something on my foot. I looked down to see the the oves on my vagina fruit. Now, were just sitting here while she colors on me instead of my walls. This is the epitome of being toddler-whipped.

Rude awakening

There is nothing more terrifying than waking up to see the infant version of your significant other so close to your face that if you blink, your eyelash will graze their eyeball and when they exhale, you can actually taste the nasty morning milk breath all up on your tastebuds. I don't think anything could ever prepare a parent for that. Not only is it emotionally and mentally straining, but physically as well. The shock itself will have you trying to pull a Chris Brown on what your mind is telling you is an armed assailant, but you have to fight every cell in your body to refrain because this intruder came from your vagina and the only thing it's weilding is a damn sippy cup. All that's left to do is just scream, "what the fuck?!" I give it a 0/10 and would definitely not reccomend starting your day like this.

One step at a time

I just watched my moddler fall down the very last step 7 different ways. There was one step left so I let go of her hand so she could go through the gate in front of me. She took a step and her foot slid out so she practically did a split. Then, she was pulling herself up and fell forward onto her hands. She put her feet together and pushed herself up only to fall on her butt. She stood back up and somehow fell to her side. Then, fell to the other side trying to straighten out. Then FINALLY got off the step only to fall back on her butt again and then finished by landing on her face as she was getting off her butt. It was like watching a pin ball in the form of my ovary dropping. Maybe she was still soapy from her bath causing a greased pig effect with the steps or maybe it's because she refused to drop her Moana towel. Either way, she wouldn't let me help her and just kept repeatedly yelling, "oh, shit...... I okay!" 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Soda mishap

I just had my first sippy cup mishap. Did y'all know that if you put soda in a sippy, it'll squirt everywhere?!?! I sure as fuck didn't. I also didnt intentionally try to give my toddler a cup of sugar syrup at 2 in the damn morning either. She woke me up by hitting me in the face with her cup asking for milk. I'm sleeping. I am not going to get up to get milk. So, I frantically searched my nightstand, praying for a bottle of water that I normally bring to bed with me. I grabbed what I thought was water and dumped it in her cup, all with my eyes barely open. I gave her the cup and laid back down. Then it happened. IT BLEW EVERYWHERE!! This cup turned into a pissed off hand-held volcano wielded by my uterus candy. Neither of us knew what in the actual fuck was happening. It stopped furiously squirting it's sticky goo all over my bed so she held it out for me to take only for it to start again, spraying all up in my face. Now she's wide awake because that was apparently the coolest shit she's ever seen in her life and I ended up getting out of bed anyways thanks to my coca-cola facial I was just blessed with. I need a vacation. 

High pants gang

When you can't beat em, join em.

Roast

7yo: "Move over, fatty!"

10yo: "You're mom's a fatty...."

7yo: "WE HAVE THE SAME MOM!!"

12yo: "Well, apparently it's genetic."

Nobody roasts you like your own damn kids. I'm about to throw these ones away and start over. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I wanted a snack.

#Momlife is sitting down to FINALLY have a snack only to get this out of the bag of chips you specifically bought for yourself. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Musical Beds

I woke up to my foot being played with. I thought it was the dog so I went to push him down off the bed because I HATE my feet being touched. I'm glad I looked first. I would have just yeeted my poor womb wrecker right off of my damn bed. Apparently they decided to switch spots. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Eggs?

I'm just a mom, sitting on the toilet in front of my toddler, asking why the fuck she has the eggs. 

Open a tool set? No thanks.

My twat token had the audacity to come and ask me to open this tool set for her today. She has an entire room FULL of toys, but this is what she demanded she needed to play with. She insists on destroying everything in sight from the moment she opens those bright blue built-in snack spotters of hers. Whatcha gonna do now, Bob the Builder? Tear apart the damn furniture too?!? Hard no. Good effort though. 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

No eye contact

I've never come in contact with a leopard before, but I have put a toddler to bed and the rules are basically the same:

1: Stay calm.

2: Don't make eye contact.

3. Back away slowly.

4. I said DON'T make eye contact.

5. You fucked up, bud. 

6. It was nice knowing you.

Pimple

Me: "Awe. You've got a pimple on your face!"

Toddler: "a wat? Peeel? 

Me: "No. PI-MM-PLE."

Toddler: "Ohhhhh. PEEEENILE" 

Me: 🤨

Toddler: 😁

Me: "Close enough." 

Vick's

I just caught my love trophy rubbing baby Vick's vaporub on her butthole. I walked into the kitchen to see her bent over, cheeks spread, just lathering it on there. 🤦🏼‍♀️ She might have assumed it was diaper rash cream or maybe she just thought her chocolate pocket was congested. Either way, I threw her in the bath and scrubbed her down, but now she's walking around lookin like a cowboy that just got done riding his steed saying "my butt coooooooold." 😳 I don't know why she is the way that she is or why she does the things that she does. All I know is that it's never boring around here.

Sharing snot

I just opened my mouth to tell my child to cover her mouth at the exact same time that she sneezed directly in my face, resulting in me getting a snot rocket shot directly to the back of my throat. If that doesn't describe why parenting is the most disgusting job there is, I don't know what will.

Tattoo

I have a tattoo on my thigh. It's been on my body since before this child came out of it and it has caused quite the conundrum today. She has been told repeatedly that we don't draw on ourselves because that seems to be her favorite thing to do lately. So now, my ovary candy is actively trying to scrub my tattoo off my leg because I'm a "bad mom" for "cowor on you leg!!" Apparently she thinks I get up every damn day and draw the same exact image on myself? She's obviously furious at this inequality, enough so to keep yelling "dammit" while rolling her eyes at me as she's struggling to remove this PERMANENT drawing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Fed is Best

Me before kids: "I'm going to feed my children all organic, free range foods and we'll stick to a strict eating schedule with absolutely no junk food."

Me after kids: "Share the donuts, you little shit. I want a midnight snack too!! Let's get some ice cream after this."

Showah

Today we are mad because mom won't let us "showah" in the "washah" despite the fact that she is not a dish of any sort. She doesn't seem to understand that even if she somehow manages to not drown, she wouldn't survive the heat cycle to dry her. Instead, my crotch dropping is extremely pissed at me for keeping her alive. I'm just the mean asshole trying to save her life. 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Dramatic

Anyone else have an overdramatic moddler? We went to the doctors today and they did the finger poke lead test. My curtain climber has REFUSED to use her entire arm all damn day!! She acts like it needs to be amputated. She saw them take blood and something in her little mind made her decide, "well, that's it. My arm is dead now" and I can't get her to realize that her arm is FINE!! She's just running around swinging it all over like it's just dead weight and has a "we had a good run" attitude towards it. One finger prick and her left arm is done for, all the way to her fucken shoulder!! She's just over here acting paralyzed from her fingertip up. 🙄 She's soooooooo dramatic. 😂

Mob boss

I don't know what my mini mob boss's dolls have seen, but one thing is certain, they sure as shit aren't going to tell me. 😳

Assailant

I try to be a good mom. I try to be supportive and understanding, doing the best I can to instill morals and basic human decency in my crotch fruit. Despite that, this one has decided to turn to crime. I caught this armed assailant in the kitchen, wielding a golf club. She was swinging this thing around like she was trying to hit a pinata through her mask. She just kept screaming, "yee-haw!! Where da cookies at?!" 😳 Does anyone know if there is a scared straight for toddlers?

Poop?

My moddler jumped on my husband and somehow ended up grabbing his love stick:

Husband: "You need to be careful. That hurt!" 

Bean: "Is a poop?!"

Husband: "No. It's not a turd. That's my wiener."

Bean: "oh. Isa big weiner." 

I'm over here dying. 😂☠

Apunzel

I'm just sitting here, trying to enjoy my cold coffee when my uterus candy says, "MOM!! MOM!! MOM!!" So, I look at her standing on my couch and tell her she needs to sit. She just smiles at me and says, "I apunzel!!" Then, she flipped her hair and dove straight out from the couch only to drop like she was the damn road runner running off a cliff. I was trying to process the fact that my spawn just did a belly flop right in front of me onto the carpet when she got up with the most appalled look on her face, as if she couldn't believe her hair didn't stop her from experiencing that painful belly bump. She exclaimed, "I AWIVE!!" Now, we're watching Tangled AGAIN to see where she went wrong and I'm trying to get my heart rate back down to normal. Happy Monday. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Get it together.

I lost my phone. Well, I thought I lost my phone, but really, it was my mind that I lost. I had my phone in my hand, flashlight on as I was frantically searching for it. I was moving the blankets around and my ovary dropping woke up out of a dead sleep and said, "wat a hell?" I told her it was fine and to lay back down because mama was just looking for her phone. She looked at my phone in my hand and then looked at me like she couldn't believe I had the audacity to pass down these award winning genetics. With a straight face, she said, "get it a gether, mom!!" Then, almost as quickly as she woke up, she passed back out. 

I'm trying to get it together, kid. I'm really trying. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Checking her temp

We're sitting here watching Toy Story 4 and I keep hearing a beeping. It stops and then starts again. It's really starting to get annoying so I asked my crotch goblin if she hears it and she says, "hear wat, mom?" 🙄 She can hear me open a bag of chips from three rooms away with the doors shut and multiple televisions on. I KNOW she can hear that god damn beeping. I ask her what she has and she shows me her hands in an attempt to prove she has nothing. Finally, it stopped and my moddler jumped up, pulled her underwear down, and turned around to show me her ass. There was a fucken thermometer in between her buttcheeks!! She looked like she was trying to smuggle this damn thing through airport security. It wasn't in her asshole, but just sitting there, all nice and snug like a fucken thermometer burrito in her booty crease. She bent over as if to encourage me to reach on in there and pry it out. Then, she looked at me through her chubby little thighs and said, "well, what it say? I sick o no?" 

Why is she the way that she is?! 

Midnight snack

My moddler finished a late night snack tonight. She wanted to eat tomatoes and ranch. It's one of her favorites. The only problem with that is that she will make a huge mess and then IMMEDIATELY climb on her father when she's done, essentially marinating him with her tomato juice and ranch leftovers. Then, he bitches at me because she does this after HE let's her out of her seat without wiping her off first. This happened and then she ratted out her father for saying bad words after he aggreed to reel it in to prevent her from repeating bad shit. 

Husband: "I hate it when you give her a plate of tomatoes and ranch."

Bean: "YEAH, MOM. THE FUCK?!"

Husband: "Baby, don't say that!!" 

Bean: "uhhhhhh, you do."

What am I going to do with these two?! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Not fair!!

Every damn time I try to take a bath, my moddler will evade her father, three siblings, two dogs, and cat to come upstairs. She will break through any barrier in her way like she's Jason fucken Bourne to sneak up on me while I'm trying to relax and scare me so damn bad that I almost drown. I can't even turn the water on in the bathtub without activating some sort of Russian sleeper agent in the form of my extremely determined crib midget. This 3ft ninja who wears nothing but a smile will lose her damn mind unless I give in and let her join me in the tub. So, why is it that Anna gets to have a spa day in the toilet all by herself, just chillin in the jacuzzi, living her best fucken life thanks to the same child that refuses to go anywhere while I'm trying to get some "me time" besides directly in my asshole, staring straight up my poop chute while I'm trying to clean my crevices?! This shit doesn't seem fair at all. 

Just dry my clothes!!

For the past few days, I've been repeating the same sequence of events. I go to pull the clothes out of the dryer, notice that they're still wet as fuck, justify that realization by blaming mom brain because I must have just gotten distracted and forgot to start it, restart said dryer, go tend to other chores, come back to wet clothes, and repeat. I've even incorporated my family into this insanely repetitive task by asking them to switch over the clothes for me and then getting pissed when the clothes are still wet because, "nobody can do anything right around here!!" 🙄 It's been at least two days, maybe longer. The dirty laundry has PILED THE FUCK UP!! I finally tapped into my detective skills to realize, "hey, maybe the dryer isnt working." So, I did what any sane person would do and I broke down to ask my husband, despite being a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. He asked some stupid questions like, is it plugged in? So, I cleaned it off and pulled it out to check. Yup, it's plugged in. Is it spinning and making noise? Yup. Are the knobs all on the right settings? What kind of stupid ass ques...........figured it out. Someone fucked with my dryer knobs!!! I have learned two things today. One, it takes me an embarrassingly long time to realize I'm repeating the same task over and over with no results. And two, one or more of these damn kids are trying to get me committed. That is all. Now, I need to go do about 20 loads of fucken laundry. Wish me luck. 

Headband

We spent our day with this "headband" on our head. It is most definitely not an actual headband. This bright blue accessory is my WEDDING GARTER!! My uterus candy wore my prenuptial thigh tie on her head all day long with her hair looking like she lost a fight with aqua net. She even wore it out to run errands. This inadvertent rendition of a redneck fashion statement accompanied her on her travels to get groceries and pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. It's apparently her new favorite addition to her look. At least it looks cute. 😂

Gate

Get a new gate they said. She won't be able to get into shit they said. 🙄 THEY WERE WRONG. We have gone through about 7 of the wooden gates because she will grab ahold of them and break the wood. She's like a fucken black belt, karate chopping the shit out of these poor gates. We finally decided to upgrade instead of spending money on another wooden gate that she'll just break. Twelve hours after we put up this $40 gate, she figured out that if she pulls it hard enough, she can unlock it and it'll open. TWELVE FUCKEN HOURS..... I was pissed so I tightened the damn thing as tight as I possibly could so she wouldnt be able to break through. I heard her trying to pull it again and I just smiled and said to myself, "you can't get it, you little shit. I fixed it!! Welcome to maximum security, you little psycho!!" I honestly don't know why I am so naive. You'd think I would know better by now. I heard a big bang and rounded the corner to see the entire gate on the floor with her on top of it. She ripped the whole thing down and was jumping on it!! I can't even do a full pull up so why the hell is this child so freakishly strong? She goes full blown hulk and it's absolutely terrifying. I should get her into some strong man competitions. She will stop at nothing to go where you tell her she can't go. 🙄

Beaner!

I call my moddler Bean. I used to call her Beaner, but I would get terrible looks from people for screaming, "get back here, beaner!!" when she'd run away from me while we were out in public so I shortened it to Bean. The nickname is originated from the song Mexican Americans from Cheech and Chong. That damn song is stuck in my frontal lobe and I CONSTANTLY break out in song and dance to sing it(see picture for reference). My moddler would lose her shit when I would eventually reach the part of the song that goes, "BEANERS......GONNA KICK EM IN THE FACE!!" In hindsight, it might have been my terrible high kick that she was laughing at because after 4 kids, I can barely tie my shoes, let alone do a fucken high kick, pretending like I'm a god damn gymnast. Because of my weird obsession with these two stoners and their movies, my ringtone is Mexican Americans, specifically Chong's part. I usually have my phone on vibrate when we go anywhere, but when we're home, the volume is always on. When I get a call, she'll yell BEANERS and run to grab my phone. I found it hilarious that she loves this song so much that she sings it everytime my phone goes off. The problem that I'm having now is that she yells it even when she plays with her play phones. She'll grab her phone, yell "BEANERS" and then pretend like she's talking, but she's an angry phone talker so she will yell into her phone like her name is Karen and she is demanding to speak to a manager. When we leave the house, I have to search her like she's a prison inmate to make sure she isn't carrying a contraband phone because I seriously don't want her to unnecessarily offend anyone while we're out and about. So, if for any reason, any of you ever run into me in public and happen to hear her screaming into something she's pretending is a phone, do not be alarmed. She's not being derogatory. She just loves that fucken song. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Casshole

I fucked up, y'all. I called our cat an asshole within earshot of my moddler. She thought it was hilarious and is now referring to the cat as "casshole". At least casshole sounds awfully similar to castle so if we have anyone over, they'll just assume she's telling this poor cat to get in her castle. She doesn't have a castle, but that will be our little secret. 🤫

Procrastinating

Son: I have homework from Thursday that I need to do. 

Me: It's Sunday and you're just NOW telling me that you have homework? Quit procrastinating, boy!! How are you going to be a productive member of society if you continuously put off shit that needs done? Go do it. 

Me: *restarts washer for the fourth time in a row because I kept putting off switching it over so now the clothes smell bad........again.* 

Me to husband: I don't know where he gets this shit from. 

Husband: 😐🤨

Just love me!!

When you've been waiting all day for him to get home to love you, but all he wants to do is talk about himself. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I'm too sick for this shit.

I'm stuck in bed, sick as fuck and my moddler was sitting here with me watching Frozen 2. She yelled she had to go potty. I told her to go ahead and come right back when she was done. She left and was gone for a bit before coming back in all excited, carrying the insert to her potty FULL of poop and pee. I watched her running and as I opened my mouth to tell her to be careful, she tripped and the septic grenade went airborne. Guess where it landed? MY FUCKEN BED!! All over me, the blankets, the sheet, and the pillows. I honestly have no fucken idea how that much came out of her. It came falling down like hail as my heart skipped a beat and time seemingly stopped just for a second to let me process what was happening. All I heard her say was, "ohhhhhhh, shit!!" Then, as I'm laying there in disbelief, contemplating my life choices and wondering what I've done to the universe to end up where I am at right now, this little shit climbed up into my bed and bent over. I was covered in her waste with a face full of asshole and she says, "you ipe mine ass o no?" I. Am. Done. With. Today. 😩

#freethebeaver

All I want to do is get my cave of wonders explored by my husband. That is all. It feels like the poor man hasn't been cave diving in such a long time. I might actually be getting cobwebs at this point. Everytime we attempt this feat as of late, our little wildlife poacher in training decides to climb in bed with us, essentially trapping my poor beaver and making it impossible for it to get the wood it needs in order to be a productive member of the animal kingdom. I know that someday she'll move out of Cockblockistan, but until then, I might actually lose my mind. I'm about to call Ace Ventura and see if he can help me with this dilemma on the case of #freethebeaver. Would it be acceptable to get a sitter just long enough to grease the wheels? Asking for a friend. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It. Is. A. Rock.

Reason 428 for throwing a fit on this lovely day:

Today we found a rock. It's not a regular rock from outside, but some weird ass shiny rock that my son got at the Science Center. I let my moddler play with it and she brought it over demanding that I "open it!!" I don't know if you guys read the first part so let me reiterate. IT IS A FUCKEN ROCK!! I don't know in what alternate reality you can just open a rock like it's a god damn plastic Easter egg, but I know it sure as shit isn't this one. So, now we're throwing a fit on the floor because it must be some crazy conspiracy to keep her away from some sort of treasure inside this rock that I am refusing to open despite it being PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. What a perfect day to day drink. 🥂

Priceless

Baby walker she's pretending is a stroller: $22

Baby doll: $19

Doc Mcstuffins doctor bag w/stethoscope: $20

Hair ties: $3

Wondering where the fuck she's going pushing that baby around, letting that stethoscope swing around between her legs like it's an overgrown skin sword while her hair is falling out of her hair tie just enough to look like she has a mullet:

PRICELESS!!