Spring Cleaning

We're spring cleaning. Anyone with kids knows that means you get to sit around and argue with your coochie creations about why they absolutely can not live without anything you're trying to throw away. It doesn't matter if it's the very last piece of a random toy they played with one time, they NEED IT. It doesn't matter if it's a part of a squirt gun that broke back in 2012, they have to keep it. It doesn't matter if it's the same damn piece of paper that you gave in and let them keep last year because it's from kindergarten and that one mark on that crumbled up piece of paper holds some sort of sentimental value for them despite said piece of paper laying in the exact same spot in the corner of their room for the past year, they absolutely can not part with it or they won't be able to survive the rest of their adolescent lives. Anyways, I'm standing in my sons room and inform him that I ordered him a new bed so we needed to get his mattress and boxspring outside so we could have it hauled away. We lifted the queen sized boxspring up and the bottom fell out. IT WAS FILLED ALL THE WAY THROUGH WITH TRASH!! It wasn't just trash. He had everything from boiled eggs to dirty dishes shoved in there. When I say that I'm done with this child, I absofuckenlutely mean it today. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Holy poop

Today while pooping on the big potty:

Toddler: "Holy shit." 

Me: "We don't say that, remember? We say holy poop."

Toddler: "Holy poop. It a big shit."

We're making progress.........kinda. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I Failed Today

I failed today. 

We woke up late and ate whatever we wanted for breakfast. We sat in front of the tv to watch cartoons as we ate our leftover Easter candy as our most important meal of the day. 

I failed today. 

We didn't do a single lesson for school. We didn't even open our laptops or notebooks. They've been working extremely hard every single day this week and we're all mentally drained.

I failed today. 

My kids had spaghettios for lunch with a bag of chips as a side. They also had an insane amount of snacks because we didn't follow our normal eating schedule.

I failed today. 

I didn't do any housework at ALL. Instead, I sat down on the couch, drank some warm coffee, and played video games with my crotch goblins.

I failed today.

Dinner consisted of a random variety of fried appetizers with ice cream sandwiches for dessert. 

I failed today.

We stayed up wayyyyyyyy past our bedtimes to play and watch tv. The playroom is destroyed and I didn't make them clean up or even take a bath before kissing their foreheads to wish them the sweetest dreams. 

I failed today. I failed at being their teacher. I failed at being their chef. I failed at being their schedule keeper. I failed at being their maid. I failed in so many categories, but do you know what I didn't fail? 

Being their mom, friend, and their teammate in Mario Kart.

Tomorrow, we'll wake up, put our game faces on, and get back to business, but today, I was just their mess of a mom and that's all they needed me to be. ❤

"Ice tits"

I just went to change my daytime pajamas into my nighttime pajamas because I don't leave the house so I just rotate wearing baggy t-shirts. I took my top off and my moddler ran into the room screaming, "MOOOOOOOM!!" I said, "what?" Her response? "Ice tits!" 🤦🏼‍♀️ Someone please come get my husband before I feed him to a tiger. She's repeating sooooooo many of the phrases he says and I can't handle the both of them.

Great Hiding Spot

My humpling disappeared on me today. She wanted to play with her stickers, but I told her she needed to wait until her siblings were done with their school work. I grabbed them and put them on the shelf behind the tv. "That's the end of that," or so I thought. I went back to explaining to my son that there would be cords to connect you to a spaceship so you couldn't just fall out and float around space until you starve to death because one of his assignments was to explain why you would or wouldn't be an astronaut. Then, the silence engulfed the room. I went to go find my moddler, expecting to see her pouting in a corner somewhere. She wasn't in her room, the bathroom, her siblings rooms, or my room. I even opened the front door to check outside, fearing that she was showing the neighbors her dark star again. Finally, I summoned her the mom way. I grabbed myself a snack and sat on the couch to enjoy it in peace. All of a sudden, I hear, "hey, hey, hey, hey!! Nacks!!" I looked up to see the tv almost fall down so I ran over to stop it from rocking back and forth. She was behind the damn thing, trying to get her stickers so she could sneak off and play with them anyways since she's a strong, independent toddler who doesn't take no for an answer. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Pictures

"Can you please smile so I can take a picture?"

Vs

"Mom, cheeeeeeeese."

"I'm Toxic"

Son: "Should I go help that lady load her groceries?"

Me: "No, buddy. It's a very nice offer, but we need to stay away from people because kids, like you, are full of germs and you could get that older woman sick."

Son: *screaming* "I'm sorry I can't help you. My mom said I'm toxic." 

🤦🏼‍♀️

Middle School

My middle schooler said she misses school so I ate her lunch and tripped her in the hallway. Apparently she wasn't referring to those parts so our lesson today is on clarification and being more detail-oriented.

Where's the moddler?

I'm starting to get sick of playing "Where's the Moddler?" It's like Where's Waldo except, in this situation, Waldo is 3ft tall, devious, and still likes to leave mysterious shits all over my house like she's hosting her own personal Easter egg hunt with a different type of chocolate surprise. If at any point, I don't hear incoherent demands coming from my womb wrecker, I get to search my house trying to find her. The only difference is that even when I win, I lose. She's ALWAYS into something. Tonight, we got out of the bath and as I was explaining to her siblings how the flusher works on the toilet for the millionth time, she disappeared. I decided the first step to playing this game tonight was pouring myself a BIG glass of wine. As I approached the kitchen, I heard, "soooooo good....." I rounded the corner to see her shoveling leftover chocolate pie in her face while simultaneously pushing her freshly shampooed hair out of her eyes with her HANDS. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I asked why she is the way that she is and all she said was, "wat? I no BAD guy." Thanks for that heart melting line, Wreck it Ralph. It looks like we're having pie before bed.

May your coffee be strong

Happy Easter, y'all. May your coffee be stronger than your child's attitude and your patience be thicker than your ass. Hopefully the sugar high will wear off soon and you can call it an early night. If not, bottoms up. 🥂