Checking her temp

We're sitting here watching Toy Story 4 and I keep hearing a beeping. It stops and then starts again. It's really starting to get annoying so I asked my crotch goblin if she hears it and she says, "hear wat, mom?" 🙄 She can hear me open a bag of chips from three rooms away with the doors shut and multiple televisions on. I KNOW she can hear that god damn beeping. I ask her what she has and she shows me her hands in an attempt to prove she has nothing. Finally, it stopped and my moddler jumped up, pulled her underwear down, and turned around to show me her ass. There was a fucken thermometer in between her buttcheeks!! She looked like she was trying to smuggle this damn thing through airport security. It wasn't in her asshole, but just sitting there, all nice and snug like a fucken thermometer burrito in her booty crease. She bent over as if to encourage me to reach on in there and pry it out. Then, she looked at me through her chubby little thighs and said, "well, what it say? I sick o no?" 

Why is she the way that she is?! 

Midnight snack

My moddler finished a late night snack tonight. She wanted to eat tomatoes and ranch. It's one of her favorites. The only problem with that is that she will make a huge mess and then IMMEDIATELY climb on her father when she's done, essentially marinating him with her tomato juice and ranch leftovers. Then, he bitches at me because she does this after HE let's her out of her seat without wiping her off first. This happened and then she ratted out her father for saying bad words after he aggreed to reel it in to prevent her from repeating bad shit. 

Husband: "I hate it when you give her a plate of tomatoes and ranch."

Bean: "YEAH, MOM. THE FUCK?!"

Husband: "Baby, don't say that!!" 

Bean: "uhhhhhh, you do."

What am I going to do with these two?! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Not fair!!

Every damn time I try to take a bath, my moddler will evade her father, three siblings, two dogs, and cat to come upstairs. She will break through any barrier in her way like she's Jason fucken Bourne to sneak up on me while I'm trying to relax and scare me so damn bad that I almost drown. I can't even turn the water on in the bathtub without activating some sort of Russian sleeper agent in the form of my extremely determined crib midget. This 3ft ninja who wears nothing but a smile will lose her damn mind unless I give in and let her join me in the tub. So, why is it that Anna gets to have a spa day in the toilet all by herself, just chillin in the jacuzzi, living her best fucken life thanks to the same child that refuses to go anywhere while I'm trying to get some "me time" besides directly in my asshole, staring straight up my poop chute while I'm trying to clean my crevices?! This shit doesn't seem fair at all. 

Just dry my clothes!!

For the past few days, I've been repeating the same sequence of events. I go to pull the clothes out of the dryer, notice that they're still wet as fuck, justify that realization by blaming mom brain because I must have just gotten distracted and forgot to start it, restart said dryer, go tend to other chores, come back to wet clothes, and repeat. I've even incorporated my family into this insanely repetitive task by asking them to switch over the clothes for me and then getting pissed when the clothes are still wet because, "nobody can do anything right around here!!" 🙄 It's been at least two days, maybe longer. The dirty laundry has PILED THE FUCK UP!! I finally tapped into my detective skills to realize, "hey, maybe the dryer isnt working." So, I did what any sane person would do and I broke down to ask my husband, despite being a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. He asked some stupid questions like, is it plugged in? So, I cleaned it off and pulled it out to check. Yup, it's plugged in. Is it spinning and making noise? Yup. Are the knobs all on the right settings? What kind of stupid ass ques...........figured it out. Someone fucked with my dryer knobs!!! I have learned two things today. One, it takes me an embarrassingly long time to realize I'm repeating the same task over and over with no results. And two, one or more of these damn kids are trying to get me committed. That is all. Now, I need to go do about 20 loads of fucken laundry. Wish me luck. 

Headband

We spent our day with this "headband" on our head. It is most definitely not an actual headband. This bright blue accessory is my WEDDING GARTER!! My uterus candy wore my prenuptial thigh tie on her head all day long with her hair looking like she lost a fight with aqua net. She even wore it out to run errands. This inadvertent rendition of a redneck fashion statement accompanied her on her travels to get groceries and pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. It's apparently her new favorite addition to her look. At least it looks cute. 😂

Gate

Get a new gate they said. She won't be able to get into shit they said. 🙄 THEY WERE WRONG. We have gone through about 7 of the wooden gates because she will grab ahold of them and break the wood. She's like a fucken black belt, karate chopping the shit out of these poor gates. We finally decided to upgrade instead of spending money on another wooden gate that she'll just break. Twelve hours after we put up this $40 gate, she figured out that if she pulls it hard enough, she can unlock it and it'll open. TWELVE FUCKEN HOURS..... I was pissed so I tightened the damn thing as tight as I possibly could so she wouldnt be able to break through. I heard her trying to pull it again and I just smiled and said to myself, "you can't get it, you little shit. I fixed it!! Welcome to maximum security, you little psycho!!" I honestly don't know why I am so naive. You'd think I would know better by now. I heard a big bang and rounded the corner to see the entire gate on the floor with her on top of it. She ripped the whole thing down and was jumping on it!! I can't even do a full pull up so why the hell is this child so freakishly strong? She goes full blown hulk and it's absolutely terrifying. I should get her into some strong man competitions. She will stop at nothing to go where you tell her she can't go. 🙄

Beaner!

I call my moddler Bean. I used to call her Beaner, but I would get terrible looks from people for screaming, "get back here, beaner!!" when she'd run away from me while we were out in public so I shortened it to Bean. The nickname is originated from the song Mexican Americans from Cheech and Chong. That damn song is stuck in my frontal lobe and I CONSTANTLY break out in song and dance to sing it(see picture for reference). My moddler would lose her shit when I would eventually reach the part of the song that goes, "BEANERS......GONNA KICK EM IN THE FACE!!" In hindsight, it might have been my terrible high kick that she was laughing at because after 4 kids, I can barely tie my shoes, let alone do a fucken high kick, pretending like I'm a god damn gymnast. Because of my weird obsession with these two stoners and their movies, my ringtone is Mexican Americans, specifically Chong's part. I usually have my phone on vibrate when we go anywhere, but when we're home, the volume is always on. When I get a call, she'll yell BEANERS and run to grab my phone. I found it hilarious that she loves this song so much that she sings it everytime my phone goes off. The problem that I'm having now is that she yells it even when she plays with her play phones. She'll grab her phone, yell "BEANERS" and then pretend like she's talking, but she's an angry phone talker so she will yell into her phone like her name is Karen and she is demanding to speak to a manager. When we leave the house, I have to search her like she's a prison inmate to make sure she isn't carrying a contraband phone because I seriously don't want her to unnecessarily offend anyone while we're out and about. So, if for any reason, any of you ever run into me in public and happen to hear her screaming into something she's pretending is a phone, do not be alarmed. She's not being derogatory. She just loves that fucken song. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Casshole

I fucked up, y'all. I called our cat an asshole within earshot of my moddler. She thought it was hilarious and is now referring to the cat as "casshole". At least casshole sounds awfully similar to castle so if we have anyone over, they'll just assume she's telling this poor cat to get in her castle. She doesn't have a castle, but that will be our little secret. 🤫

Procrastinating

Son: I have homework from Thursday that I need to do. 

Me: It's Sunday and you're just NOW telling me that you have homework? Quit procrastinating, boy!! How are you going to be a productive member of society if you continuously put off shit that needs done? Go do it. 

Me: *restarts washer for the fourth time in a row because I kept putting off switching it over so now the clothes smell bad........again.* 

Me to husband: I don't know where he gets this shit from. 

Husband: 😐🤨

Just love me!!

When you've been waiting all day for him to get home to love you, but all he wants to do is talk about himself. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️